Respectful Relationships

This is an overview of Respectful Relationships

Download resources below:

Presentation – Powerpoint
PDF of Respectful Relationship Posters x4
Respectful Relationship Flyers
Toolboxes
Background paper on the harmful effects of pornography
All resources are available at the online shop here
For HELP click here

2016 CAMPAIGN HOW TO PARTICIPATE PRESS KIT

This page is a cut down version of what has been presented to White Ribbon Ambassadors and White Ribbon Riders to assist them prepare for the 2016 campaign. This is the explanation of the campaign and the thinking behind it.

: This year there is a new focus that builds on previous White Ribbon Campaigns. This has arisen from a series of workshops around the country, and from a significant amount of feedback. We believe the campaign has a series of strong messages for all of us to rally around.

: ‘Respectful relationships’ is a phrase that is most commonly used as a ‘short-hand’ description of the behaviour we want instead of violence. Important – ‘Respect’ needs to be redefined or reframed to mean ‘something you earn by the way you treat others’, rather than an entitlement you get because of your role, power or gender. Therefore it’s easier to say ‘respectful relationships’ rather than use the word ‘respect’ and then have to reframe it.

: Men seem to understand physical violence; however there is still limited knowledge about psychological violence (non-physical) which was our focus in 2012. Added this year is ‘consent’ which we will focus on as a separate topic under Sexual Violence / Consent. Psychological (non physical violence) can be harder to spot, but the effects are often described by women as far worse. ‘Bruises can heal quickly but psychological scars often take a very long time’. The effect of this violence can be to rob someone of their confidence, their self-worth, the very essence of who they are. Sometimes using the example of ‘shell shock’ from the movies can help people understand the effects of this violence. All forms of violence have a similar cause – men exerting power and control over women.

: We have included the Duluth Wheel to help people better understand the pattern of actions that an individual uses to intentionally control or dominate his intimate partner. Why was the Power and Control Wheel created? In 1984, staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups for men who batter and victims of domestic violence. We wanted a way to describe battering for victims, offenders, practitioners in the criminal justice system and the general public. Over several months, we convened focus groups of women who had been battered. We listened to heart-wrenching stories of violence, terror and survival. After listening to these stories and asking questions, we documented the most common abusive behaviours or tactics that were used against these women. The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women.Why did you call it the Power and Control Wheel? Battering is one form of domestic or intimate partner violence. It is characterised by the pattern of actions that an individual uses to intentionally control or dominate his intimate partner. That is why the words “power and control” are in the centre of the wheel. A batterer systematically uses threats, intimidation, and coercion to instil fear in his partner. These behaviours are the spokes of the wheel. Physical and sexual violence holds it all together—this violence is the rim of the wheel. Why isn’t the Power and Control Wheel gender neutral? The Power and Control Wheel represents the lived experience of women who live with a man who beats them. It does not attempt to give a broad understanding of all violence in the home or community but instead offers a more precise explanation of the tactics men use to batter women. We keep our focus on women’s experience because the battering of women by men continues to be a significant social problem–men commit 86 to 97 percent of all criminal assaults and women are killed 3.5 times more often than men in domestic homicides. When women use violence in an intimate relationship, the context of that violence tends to differ from men. First, men’s use of violence against women is learned and reinforced through many social, cultural and institutional avenues, while women’s use of violence does not have the same kind of societal support. Secondly, many women who do use violence against their male partners are being battered. Their violence is primarily used to respond to and resist the controlling violence being used against them. On the societal level, women’s violence against men has a trivial effect on men compared to the devastating effect of men’s violence against women. Battering in same-sex intimate relationships has many of the same characteristics of battering in heterosexual relationships, but happens within the context of the larger societal oppression of same-sex couples. Resources that describe same-sex domestic violence have been developed by specialists in that field such as The Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse, http://www.nwnetwork.org Making the Power and Control Wheel gender neutral would hide the power imbalances in relationships between men and women that reflect power imbalances in society. By naming the power differences, we can more clearly provide advocacy and support for victims, accountability and opportunities for change for offenders, and system and societal changes that end violence against women. Why did you create the Equality Wheel? The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive, to non-violent partners. For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel. So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change. Taken from http://www.theduluthmodel.org

: These four prevention messages have been chosen because: inequitable and rigid gender relationships are the underlying cause of men’s violence towards women. These messages address gender power imbalances. Often people see violence as only occurring during conflict between a man and his partner so we want to address this, plus show that there is a range of risky behaviour that is violent. Sexual violence is a significant form of men’s violence and it is going to have a more public focus in violence prevention within NZ. This is generally expressed as ‘consent’, meaning both partners willingly agree to the sexual activity, at each particular activity – it is a process. Of course both individuals need to be able (not drunk etc) to agree. Each has the right to say ‘no’. The four paired messages will always be presented as a pair – they work together for impact. There are many other messages that could have been chosen, but for a campaign to be effective and noticed there must be repetition. We need all our partners to focus on these messages and use them in their communities if we are to have an impact on New Zealand society. The fourth message focuses on the need for kiwi men to talk to their sons about respectful relationships and respectful sexual relationships.

: The campaign posters purposely have a ‘yes’ that is larger and more inviting than the ‘no’. They are conversational in tone and ask men to think about their own relationships and whether they are respectful… or violent. We are purposely wanting men to consider their own behaviour and decide which box describes their behaviour. We want men (and most men are in respectful relationships) to identify with the ‘yes’ message. We want those men (and let’s call it the 80% of men for arguments sake) to stand up for what they believe in. Unfortunately in New Zealand too many men think violence is the norm. To give an example, if a man in a pub makes a derogatory comment about women, most men will look away, smile to avoid conflict or laugh to fit in. The It’s not OK campaign has given us the appropriate language and it’s widely understood that – ‘It’s Not OK’. We need men to understand, that most men will agree with them if they stand up and say it’s not ok. We need other men to know that we have your back. We need men to influence their mates and colleagues. Back to the poster: show respect by letting your partner live her own life and making her own decisions. Being a man doesn’t give you power over your partner or the right to control her. Trying to control her actions, emotions or thoughts is violence, and can be as damaging as hitting her. Let your partner act as she wants and make her own decisions. Treat women as you would want to be treated.

: Inequitable and rigid gender relationships equal the underlying cause of men’s violence towards women. These messages address gender power imbalances.

: Often people see violence as only occurring during conflict between a man and his partner so we want to address this, plus show that there is a range of risky behaviour that is violent.

: Sexual violence is a significant form of men’s violence and it is going to become a more public focus of violence prevention in future in NZ. This is generally expressed as ‘consent’, meaning both partners willingly agree to the sexual activity. It’s a process of ongoing agreement where each person needs to give consent in each particular activity. Of course both individuals need to be able (not drunk etc) to agree. Each has the right to say ‘no’. Asking before doing anything sexual is part of a respectful relationship. Don’t assume. You both get to choose, give consent, and change your minds at any time. Because sex is always better when you’re in it together, it’s gotta be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to everything.

: Fathers don’t talk to their sons about respectful behaviour to women During interviews with men last year White Ribbon learnt that fathers were uncomfortable talking to their sons about respectful sexual relationships. Recent researched confirmed : • Kiwi dads said they least ‘regularly’ discuss the importance of consent and knowing when it is OK or not OK to engage in sexual activity with someone with their teenage sons. 22% said they regularly discuss this, compared with 66% who regularly discussed ‘doing well at school’. • Dads with a teenage daughter were twice as likely to ‘regularly’ discuss the importance of consent and knowing when it is OK or not OK to engage in sexual activity with someone with their daughter than their teenage son. • Compared with other topics, this was the one that fathers were least comfortable discussing. Kids want to learn how about sexual relationships and if dads don’t talk to their sons they’ll learn from peers, media and pornography. Pornography typically shows aggression against women and it intensifies sexist and violence-supportive attitudes and behaviours, as well as increasing sexually aggressive behaviour. Fathers need to counter this with positive talk about consent and showing respect. White Ribbon wants to give kiwi dads the confidence and skills to talk about respectful relationships and respectful sexual relationships with their sons, so we’ve created a toolbox for dads and five short videos that focus on the top five tips. Five top actions for fathers: 1. Role model respectful behaviour. Show you respect your partner as an equal and communicate respectfully. 2. Be actively involved in raising your kids. This makes them better people and makes you a better person too. 3. Start developing their respectful behaviour early and adjust to their development. 4. Talk about respect as a behaviour. Describe what they can do to show respect. 5. Know they’ll appreciate learning from you. Kids typically want more sex education than they get.

: There are three levels of information in the campaign; key messages, summary information and the toolbox.

: The key messages get attention, prompt men, identify violent and positive behaviour. They’ve been tested with focus groups and fine-tuned – they work.

: Each summary is a maximum of six sentences to give a brief description, present ‘yes’ behaviour as part of respectful relationships, and ‘no’ behaviour to violence. Use this information to encourage men to understand the issues and then use the toolbox.

: The toolbox provides fuller information, more of a ‘how to’ approach, aimed at individual men. It is downloadable from the website. It provides the words and concepts to build a better understanding about the different types of violence. We want men to be familiar with Yes / NO messages, go to the website and get the toolbox and then use the toolbox to develop or further understand respectful behaviour.

: We would like you to encourage men to use the toolbox and incorporate this information into your public communications. The White Ribbon information gives you the ‘what to say’ so you can focus on selecting specifics and work on ‘how to connect’ with your particular audience.

: Appeal to men’s motivation and give specific actions for men to take. Emphasise men’s empathy for women’s experience of violence and reflecting on their own experience as a victim of other men’s violence, their experiences of being bullied when at school etc. Appeal to men’s values or morals. These can be cultural and religious values, but also such generalisations as ‘giving everyone a fair go’, or ‘be a good guy’. Be positive and affirming – ‘invite, not indict’. Build on the values men have. Guilt, shame, or fear alienate men, and are not used by the White Ribbon Campaign. Men who support gender equity are more satisfied with life and have happier relationships – this is a real selling point. Respectful relationships require nurturing, receptivity, empathy and compassion, all of which protect against violence, and create better mental / emotional health. Men are most responsive when they are invited by people they know and in contexts that are familiar to them – your local action is vital! For more information see paper Effectively involving men in preventing violence against women, from https://nzfvc.org.nz/issues-papers-5

: White Ribbon is about social norms – what we consider the right way to behave. It is CRUCIAL to emphasise that most men already have respectful relationships with women. Reinforce this at every opportunity. It strengthens men who are respectful and will encourage others to be more respectful. The key to your personal effectiveness is your tailoring of White Ribbon information to your audience. Use the White Ribbon information for content and focus ‘how to connect’ with your particular audience. There’s a wide range of White Ribbon information – use all of these to best cover the different levels of understanding among men, and their range of willingness to be involved. Use your limited time to get the most number of men involved, so target ‘changeable men’. These are the individuals who show some interest but aren’t yet taking action.

: It is possible that because we are focusing part of the campaign on ‘consent’, speaking about this topic could result in disclosures of sexual violence. The white Ribbon Campaign wants to ensure that we do no harm, and the following protocols have been devised for White Ribbon Ambassadors and White Ribbon Riders with the assistance of a number of sexual violence agencies including TOHA-NNEST, Rape Crisis and START. White Ribbon Ambassadors and White Ribbon Riders are (usually) not social workers, therefore they (and possibly you) are not trained as such. If that’s the case then these protocols could help you if someone discloses sexual violence to you. Sexual violence is one of the lowest false reported crimes; however media reporting does not make this apparent. If a case does not proceed, it is often reported that the accused is not guilty, when the decision not to prosecute can be based on a lack of evidence or the complainant decides the legal process is just too harrowing. Our job when responding to a disclosure is not to act as the judge and jury. We are there to listen and to pass the information and person disclosing onto someone qualified.

: If someone is under 16, they are legally not able to make the decision to have sex and we will report any disclosure. If the person is older than 16, then we have decided it is up to the person making the disclosure as to what action should be taken. Not everyone wants to take further action.

: Disclosures can be very traumatic (they can also be matter-of-fact). We need to mirror behaviour that is helpful. You may also have limited time, so work out how to end a conversation in a respectful manner. Also remember, your own mental health and history can be affected. It is not weakness to seek someone to talk to and it could be very beneficial for you. Anyone can talk to Rape Crisis 0800 88 33 00 or Helpline 09 909 8750

: On the afternoon of 6 December 1989, a man walked into the École Polytechnique University in Montreal and massacred 14 of his female classmates. His actions traumatised a nation and brought the issue of violence against women to the forefront of our collective consciousness. A handful of men in Toronto decided they had a responsibility to speak out about and work to stop men’s violence against women. As a result, the White Ribbon Campaign in Canada became an annual awareness-raising event, held between 25 November and 6 December. In 1999, the United Nations General Assembly declared 25 November as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, with a white ribbon as its iconic symbol. White Ribbon began in New Zealand in 2004 as part of UNIFEM (now UN Women). The Families Commission became the lead agency in 2006 and now the White Ribbon Campaign Trust is responsible for the campaign.

: Michael Kaufman is one of the two co-founders of White Ribbon in Canada. Michael has worked with White Ribbon NZ and visited NZ several times.

: White Ribbon at its heart is about men role modelling non-violent behaviour. Men talking to men in ways that men understand. We focus our message on men and have men delivering these messages. We believe that men have the ability to influence other men, whether it’s their mates, their colleagues, their friends or their sports mates.

: Make this commitment:wristband-2014_layer-1 I will stand up, speak out and act to prevent violence towards women Show what kind of guy you wanna be. You want to be a good man, a loving partner, and you want the best for your kids. You want your partner and children to be treated with respect. You’re like most men and oppose violence. You know how much it hurts the women and children you love. Join with other good men and take the White Ribbon pledge. This is a commitment to stand up, speak out and act to prevent violence. Commit to Stand up Stand by your respectful values. Show respect by treating women as an equal. Make fair decisions together. Really listen to others. Express your feelings and work through it together. Even when you’re stressed. Stand up as a man who doesn’t live by old ideas of male power or rigid roles. Be flexible and accepting. Ask before doing anything sexual. It’s everyone’s choice. Treat women the same in public as you do in private. Stand up as the respectful man you are. Commit to Speak out Take strength – Most men don’t support the use of violence by other men. Speak out when other men disrespect for women. Show you don’t agree. Speak of your respect for women and appreciation for what they give you. Talk about women as equals and how you make decisions together. Talk openly about your values of respect – such as Mana Tane Mana Wahine, your religious beliefs, or values like Everyone’s equal or A fair go for all. Openly question any ideas that men have to be in charge. Talk about the benefits of everyone behaving in the ways that suit them, being expressive and sharing power around. Talk to your children about being respectful. Show your son how to respect women. And teach your daughter to expect respect. Commit to Act to prevent violence It is men who prevent other men’s violence by standing up and speaking up. Particularly when other men disrespect women in their talk or actions. Be your true self when you’re around other men. Show your respectful values. Actually say: no to violence towards women, and yes to respectful relationships. Intervene if you see a man abusing a woman. Disrupt or distract him. Ask if she’s OK. Show him you’re watching and that his actions aren’t acceptable. Get others involved. Show your sons and daughters equal respect. Ensure they live without violence and learn how to communicate respectfully. Show your support for anything that is against violence and for respectful behaviour. Wear a white ribbon. Tell other men about the toolbox. Encourage other men to say Yes to respectful relationships. Download this resource, display it somewhere for others to see. Actually say I stand up, speak out and act to prevent violence towards women

: All resources can be ordered through the online shop. You can also contact the campaign directly at contact@whiteribbon.org.nz

: White Ribbon distributes its messages through a variety of mediums.

: An example of some of the White Ribbon coverage on TV around White Ribbon Day in 2014.

: White Ribbon uses a number of projects to inspire and model non-violent behaviours.

: The largest of these projects is the White Ribbon Motorcycle Ride. Riders are trained to speak and while they might look tough and arrive on Harley Davidsons, they deliver messages about love and respect. The ride began in 2009 and this year there are three North Island Rides and one South Island Ride. There are two main groups that make up the ‘White Ribbon Riders’; ‘Te Ahi Kikoha – “The Sharpened Flame”, is comprised of Maori Riders who bring a wealth of Maori knowledge and expertise. The Patriots are made up of former and current serving members of the New Zealand Defence Forces. The members, many of whom have served in peacekeeping roles around the world want to ensure they bring peace into our own families and communities. Each year they visit over 80 communities around NZ.

: Each ride comprises around 10 or more core members who are joined by local riders at different locations.

: Wherever the riders go they generate excitement and capture people’s attention. This project is a great way to get the message out, whether it’s in correction facilities or in schools.

: For the campaign to be successful, men must be seen to lead and actively support the kaupapa. Ambassadors play a vital role in building support, visibility and developing a shared understanding of the campaign within their social groups, workplaces and communities. Our Ambassadors embody the principles of the campaign. They are chosen for their willingness to challenge the behaviour of abusive men, and to convey key messages directly to their own communities. Ambassadors can be nominated by their communities. The nomination forms are located at http://whiteribbon.org.nz/act/ambassadors/

: There are a wide variety of projects including the Giant White Ribbon which is made up of individual ‘Pledge Sheets’.

: Each year there are over 200 White Ribbon events to draw attention to violence and what we can proactively do to prevent it. If you do run an event, no matter how large or small we would like to know the details so we can promote it. Register here http://whiteribbon.org.nz/act/events/

: Thank you

White Ribbon New Zealand

Respectful Relationships

This is an overview of Respectful Relationships

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White Ribbon New Zealand

Respectful Relationships

This is an overview of Respectful Relationships

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