Violence is taught – so who’s doing the teaching?

Last year, with your support, White Ribbon was able to put together the Boys will be Boys Respectful Campaign, which emphasises the role we need to play to ensure our young men grow up to be part of the solution – not the problem.

What makes this an urgent issue is that when we don’t take up that role of educating the next generation, their peers, or pornography, or influencers such as Andrew Tate become the loudest voices in the room, and there’s a clear link between believing in the kind of attitudes Tate personifies – and violence.

Currently there’s significant discourse about the role influencers are playing in the lives of our youth. Andrew Tate is a prime example of someone who has a supersized platform. He’s wealthy, powerful, and many young men want to be like him. Some have signed up to his online The Hustler’s University 2.0 (currently offline) which promotes some pretty horrible attitudes while encouraging those same young men to enroll their mates and earn cash for bringing in new recruits.

If you’re not familiar with Andrew Tate, he promotes a misogynistic soup of sexism, outdated ideas about men being in charge and dominant. His thoughts are cloaked in images of success and financial wealth and power, which often appeals to young men.

He says women belong in the home, can’t drive, and are a man’s property. He talks about slapping and choking women, doesn’t believe in depression and is openly homophobic.

He has said that rape victims must “bear responsibility” for the attacks on them, and openly dates women aged 18–19 because he can “make an imprint” on them, according to videos posted online.

He emphasizes the importance of material possessions while devaluing human relationships.

Recently, audio has been leaked of a voice note he allegedly recorded and sent to one of the women he has been accused of raping. This audio comes with a trigger warning, and the views on the video clip are from The Hill presenters in America and are not White Ribbon’s.

While the good news is that Tate has been detained since December by the Romanian Police as they investigate allegations of rape and trafficking, men just like him with harmful attitudes are still targeting young men, and their messages are still being absorbed by our youth.

That’s why White Ribbon has had a focus on promoting Healthy Masculinity and Respectful Relationships, because the knowledge and understanding of these concepts is a protection against violence, and they provide a healthy framework for young men to find their own way.

Understanding Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity gives them the skills and knowledge to know what a realistic and rewarding relationship looks like, as opposed to the controlling and shallow manipulation promoted by the Andrew Tates of this world.

Are we winning the battle?

I don’t think so. There simply isn’t enough government funding going into this aspect of violence prevention. In fact, only 1.8% of the governments family violence budget is spent on prevention. Adding to the problem, not enough men or adults are standing up and saying let’s have these difficult conversations – which is why one of the tag lines from our November campaign is, boys become the men we teach them to be. Unfortunately, it seems too often we’re leaving it up to others to be the teachers.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that only 10% to 20% of secondary school students have had a conversation in their homes about healthy relationships, sex and sexuality. Compounding that silence from parents, secondary school sex education is far from compulsory (or consistent) in New Zealand. That means it’s quite possible our tamariki are slipping through their teen years without appropriate mentoring and knowledge.

Alongside the Andrew Tates of this world, another influence can be pornography which can reflect and amplify misogyny. The Chief Censor’s 2018 NZ Youth and Porn Study found 1 in 4 young people saw porn before the age of 12, with 71% inadvertently viewing it. 69% have seen violence or aggression, and 72% have seen non-consensual activity. As one 15-year-old male wrote, “some porn is brutal, violent and degrading to women…it can lead you to believe that this is how you treat a woman.” That view of the dangers of pornography is widely held by many professionals.

A 2019 content-analysis looking at 200 popular porn clips indicated that 35% of porn showed coercive behaviour, and 46% had incestual themes. The analysis noted that aggression is almost always aimed at females, and they most often respond with pleasure in the videos.

The potential harms and impacts that pornography can have include:

• incorrect sexual attitudes and beliefs
• poor real life sex outcomes
• poor mental health outcomes
• inappropriate and sexually aggressive behaviours
• compulsive pornography usage

In my view, both pornography and influencers such as Mr Tate are products and reflections of a much larger pattern of misogyny. Our advice is that education is the best protection against your children believing in sexist and harmful attitudes, and then potentially acting that way towards their partners.

What can we do?

As the grownups in the room we need to have discussions with our young people about what Respectful Relationships look like, and what Healthy Masculinity looks like.

It’s worth noting that if this framework doesn’t fit your family because your child is challenging what were perceived as gender norms, have a read of Kids and Gender Toolbox and then come back to the other free resources such as Raising Boys who Respect and Respectful Sexual Relationships. You can find all these resources here.

Parents and teachers aren’t born experts on these subjects, nor are our own relationships perfect, so it’s a great idea to read the free material we provide, or watch the video below.

The most important advice is don’t pretend to be the expert, or talk down to your kids. Just let them know you want to have these kinds of chats with them. Why – because it’s your role as a parent/caregiver/coach to ensure they understand what a real and respectful relationship and sexual relationship looks like – as opposed to the unrealistic and sometimes harmful ideas promoted by pornography, or the likes of Tate.

And if you’re still struggling with the, ‘why do I have to do this?’ question, last week White Ribbon received an email from a student alerting us to a female school dean telling the young men (which included her boyfriend), that if she sees one of them cry in front of her, she won’t care because ‘they’re not being real men’.

That’s just a variation of the warped and #outdated masculinity that Andrew Tate is promoting. So please, challenge the #outdated, and let’s have the conversation with our young men and women.

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Manager

Helpful videos that relate to these subjects, graphics can be downloaded from here.

Other Interesting articles about Andrew Tate:

The lessons Andrew Tate doesn’t want you to learn about talking with young men
by White Ribbon Ambassador Richie Hardcore on Stuff

Andrew Tate: research has long shown how feminist progress is always followed by a misogynistic backlash
Lisa Sugiura of the University of Portsmouth

Men are embracing ‘positive masculinity’ and say it’s working – despite the backlash
Wendy Tuohy of The Sydney Morning Herald

Inside the violent, misogynistic world of TikTok’s new star, Andrew Tate
Shanti Das of The Guardian

Andrew Tate: The ‘violent’ and viral TikTok star who has domestic violence campaigners worried
Michelle Elias of The Feed

Floyd Ormsby media coverage

Check out some of the coverage of White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby

White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby knows all too well the effects of childhood abuse and lack of role models growing up.

Ormsby describes his childhood as a “nightmare”

A detective and her father, along with another brave police officers, are sharing their personal stories of family violence to highlight the importance of White Ribbon Day.

BFM Interview

TODAY FM with Lloyd Burr.

Floyd Ormsby, 63, was this year awarded the Outstanding Coaching Contribution Award by Auckland Rugby Referees Association along with being recognised by Rutherford College for outstanding coaching and volunteering.

Floyd’s journey to becoming a respectful husband the third time around, and role model to young men and women has not been an easy one. He was the youngest of four, his mother passed away when he was only three years old and he moved from household to household, suffering abuse, both physical and psychological. It was a traumatic childhood and Floyd had committed his first burglary by eight and was subsequently shipped off to a boarding school. That was both the best and worst part of his childhood. He knew where he was going to sleep and when the next hot meal would come, but Floyd was also sexually abused while at the school.

Floyd Ormsby with grandchild No 13

“I did not have any role models and my life was punctuated with abuse,” says Mr Ormsby. “My violence towards others was more psychological than physical, and my first two marriages ended badly. I wasn’t able to communicate with others, and had no self-esteem. I was angry and no one showed me how to be a parent, how to cope with emotions, or anger. I became what I was taught, an angry hard man that was abusive.”

Floyd believes the seeds of his journey towards becoming non-violent were sown when he mentored a young lad whose dad was killed in a car accident. Mentoring has been Floyd’s way of atoning for his own behaviour and started him on a journey to become a better man, and now a White Ribbon Ambassador.

“I know, that we can all play a role in violence prevention. It’s as easy as talking to your son, talking to the boys in the team you coach, or to the young men in your lives about being a good human being. And most importantly, it’s about role modelling healthy masculinity and showing young men they can be caring, kind and empathetic.

Floyd refereeing

Floyd Ormsby is now role modelling healthy masculinity and respectful relationships as a high-performance coach and referee. When Floyd starts his games as a referee, he just doesn’t bring in the front row, he talks to all the players about what he expects in a game and what he will not put up with – foul play or language, bullying or abuse. Setting those expectations and role modelling them, have helped Floyd to turn his life around.

“Now it’s time for all of us to play our part,” says Mr Ormsby, “and be role models for our young men and women.”

Notes:

• Floyd has the full support of his wife Gail and is now a White Ribbon Ambassador promoting Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity as alternatives and a protection against violence.
• Research demonstrates that an underlying cause of family violence is connected to the rigid rules of masculinity, the expectations that men must always appear dominant, tough and in charge.
• Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity is twenty times more likely to predict committing violence than any other demographic factors like ethnicity, age or income. We need to replace the outdated ideas of what a man is supposed to be, with concepts that encourage and support healthy masculinity.
• Too often men believe they need to appear tough and in-control in front of other men. This is from a fear, real or not, that they’ll be rejected, possibly violently, if they don’t fit in. Often being told to ‘Man Up’, is to be reminded to get back into the Man Box and act in a manner that conforms to the outdated stereotypes.
• Phrases like ‘Boys will be Boys’ emphasize these old unhealthy stereotypes and they’re still being used today. These phrases reinforce the rigid rules of masculinity that are linked to violence against women, and the time has come for us to take back the phrase, change the narrative and promote ‘healthy masculinity’.
• White Ribbon has free online resources that are available for the public to download and help them become a part of the solution.
• White Ribbon has a large number of events occurring throughout Aotearoa, along with over 200 Ambassadors talking about healthy masculinity and the White Ribbon Riders traveling throughout New Zealand spreading the Kaupapa.

Zonta Say No to Violence Against Women

Zonta East Auckland joined the Botany Library Showcase of Community Organisations. It was a useful time to network with other organisations, and to talk with interested people about the Zonta says No Campaign.

A number of buildings across Aotearoa turned orange to support the cause

Safer Central Hawke’s Bay Violence Free CHB White Ribbon Month Wrap Up

We are excited to share the news from Violence Free CHB on the events they undertook as part of White Ribbon month.

Violence Free CHB is a workstream of Safer Central Hawke’s Bay which was established in the Central Hawke’s Bay community in 2012.  The workstream’s goals are to:

• Champion a whole of community approach to family harm prevention
• Encourage and empower community led solutions to family harm
• Build Safety
• Support the work of family harm providers in our community

Below is a summary of the initiatives of Violence Free CHB during White Ribbon Month of 2022.

Safer CHB Precinct

The month began with our presence at the Safer CHB precinct at our local CHB A & P show on Saturday 12^th November.   This annual show brings town and country together and all of our Safer CHB partners participate to share their injury prevention, safety and wellbeing messages to the public.

Rob Veale

We then hosted trainer and educator Rob Veale in the district where he delivered a workshop for professionals.  This  aigns with the group’s goal of supporting the work of family harm providers in the community.   It is the first time we have been able to invite Rob to our community and we are grateful to ACC for providing a grant to assist with costs.  Feedback for those who attended was overwhelmingly positive and we are already planning the next workshop.

Rob then presented at a public event that night in Waipukurau with around 30 people in attendance.  For many it was their first-time hearing about the realities of family violence and its effects on our community.

The evening began with refreshments and as always we took the opportunity to promote our violence free messages and all participants took home a Safer CHB goody bag of information.

White Ribbon Business Packs and Displays

All main street businesses and social service and health organisations in Waipukurau and Waipawa were provided with a bag of White Ribbon resources.  We have had amazing support from our local businesses with most happily promoting White Ribbon week in their shops or workplaces and providing pick up points for White Ribbons to members of the public.  We also had displays in both of our libraries, health centre and several other organisations.

Throughout the week we also ran a social media campaign via our Safer CHB facebook page and local CHB District Council facebook page as well as a far-reaching media release in our local CHB Mail which goes to every household in the district.

Greenpatch Display

For some time we have wanted to create visual message to our community highlighting some of the more sobering facts around family violence.  This year we achieved our goal by setting up the display below on our “Greenpatch” in Waipukurau – a piece of green space in the heart of Waipukurau.  From the feedback and comments we received we know that this display resonated with many people and provided a catalyst for many discussions amongst our community.

White Ribbon Ambassadors

Our greatest achievement and cause for celebration this year was the announcement of our two White Ribbon Ambassadors.  Mayor Alex Walker presented Ian Sharp and Jackie Aitchison with their certificates and a gift at an event in Waipukurau.  The media release that followed the presentation noted:

Central Hawke’s Bay proud to introduce White Ribbon Ambassadors

Central Hawke’s Bay has taken another significant step toward safer communities, with Mayor Alex Walker appointing the district’s first White Ribbon Ambassadors, Ian Sharp and Jackie Aitchison.

In this country most violence against women takes place in the home, with an average of 14 women a year killed by their partners or ex-partners.

White Ribbon Ambassadors are community members who play a vital role in building support, visibility and developing a shared understanding of the White Ribbon campaign and its overarching anti-violence messaging.

Mayor Alex Walker says: “Jackie and Ian are part of the Safer CHB Violence Free network, which raises awareness of family violence, and its effect on our local communities. Both have devoted so much to the cause already and I know they will be wonderful champions to spread the White Ribbon word even further.”

“Sadly, our community is not immune to family harm – but we hope by increasing visibility, support and having two passionate people in this vital role, we can take steps toward delivering practical help to those who need it most.”
White Ribbon Day, held last Friday, celebrated the many men willing to show leadership and commitment to promote safe, healthy relationships within families and encourage them to challenge each other on abusive attitudes and behaviour.

To join or find out more about becoming involved with Safer CHB Violence Free network, email: christiner@chbdc.govt.nz

AUTHORISED BY DOUG TATE
Media Contact
Mayor Alex Walker, Central Hawke’s Bay District Council  | T 06 857 8060 | M 027 860 7752

Ian and Jackie are pictured below with Central Hawkes’ Bay Mayor Alex Walker. Violence Free CHB thanks Ian and Jackie for their commitment and looks forward to what the future holds with our two White Ribbon Ambassadors assisting with raising the profile of family harm prevention in Central Hawke’s Bay.

Boys become the men we teach them to be

This White Ribbon Day (November 25^th), let’s prevent men’s violence towards women by focusing on teaching and role modeling ‘Healthy Masculinity’ and ‘Respectful Relationships’ for our young men.

White Ribbon Manager Rob McCann

“Boys will be boys is usually used as an excuse for poor behaviour,” says Rob McCann, White Ribbon Manager.  “We need to flip the phrase on its head and change the narrative and demonstrate what boys will be boys should mean.”

“Many of the hyper masculine stereotypes hurt men as well as women. If we look at violence, not just against women, but also between men, incarceration rates, mental health struggles and suicide statistics it is obvious these perceived rules of masculinity are broken. We need to give our sons and all the boys in our lives, the tools for a healthy violence-free life, says Mr McCann.

New White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby agrees. “As a young man I had no role models and lived with violence and abuse. That helped to create an angry young man that hurt people and destroyed relationships. We can turn that around if we can show kindness towards our young men, and demonstrate to them what a respectful relationship looks like and let them know that men can be caring, supportive, ethical, respectful, friendly, generous and awesome.”

Floyd Ormsby, 63, was this year awarded the Outstanding Coaching Contribution Award by Auckland Rugby Referees Association along with being recognised by Rutherford College for outstanding coaching and volunteering.

Floyd’s journey to becoming a respectful husband the third time around, and role model to young men and women has not been an easy one. He was the youngest of four, his mother passed away when he was only three years old and he moved from household to household, suffering abuse, both physical and psychological. It was a traumatic childhood and Floyd had committed his first burglary by eight and was subsequently shipped off to a boarding school. That was both the best and worst part of his childhood. He knew where he was going to sleep and when the next hot meal would come, but Floyd was also sexually abused while at the school.

Floyd Ormsby with grandchild No 13

“I did not have any role models and my life was punctuated with abuse,” says Mr Ormsby. “My violence towards others was more psychological than physical, and my first two marriages ended badly. I wasn’t able to communicate with others, and had no self-esteem. I was angry and no one showed me how to be a parent, how to cope with emotions, or anger. I became what I was taught, an angry hard man that was abusive.”

Floyd believes the seeds of his journey towards becoming non-violent were sown when he mentored a young lad whose dad was killed in a car accident. Mentoring has been Floyd’s way of atoning for his own behaviour and started him on a journey to become a better man, and now a White Ribbon Ambassador.

“I know, that we can all play a role in violence prevention. It’s as easy as talking to your son, talking to the boys in the team you coach, or to the young men in your lives about being a good human being. And most importantly, it’s about role modelling healthy masculinity and showing young men they can be caring, kind and empathetic.

Floyd refereeing

Floyd Ormsby is now role modelling healthy masculinity and respectful relationships as a high-performance coach and referee. When Floyd starts his games as a referee, he just doesn’t bring in the front row, he talks to all the players about what he expects in a game and what he will not put up with – foul play or language, bullying or abuse. Setting those expectations and role modelling them, have helped Floyd to turn his life around.

“Now it’s time for all of us to play our part,” says Mr Ormsby, “and be role models for our young men and women.”

Notes:

Floyd has the full support of his wife Gail and is now a White Ribbon Ambassador promoting Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity as alternatives and a protection against violence.

Research demonstrates that an underlying cause of family violence is connected to the rigid rules of masculinity, the expectations that men must always appear dominant, tough and in charge.

Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity is twenty times more likely to predict committing violence than any other demographic factors like ethnicity, age or income. We need to replace the outdated ideas of what a man is supposed to be, with concepts that encourage and support healthy masculinity.

Too often men believe they need to appear tough and in-control in front of other men. This is from a fear, real or not, that they’ll be rejected, possibly violently, if they don’t fit in. Often being told to ‘Man Up’, is to be reminded to get back into the Man Box and act in a manner that conforms to the outdated stereotypes.

Phrases like ‘Boys will be Boys’ emphasize these old unhealthy stereotypes and they’re still being used today. These phrases reinforce the rigid rules of masculinity that are linked to violence against women, and the time has come for us to take back the phrase, change the narrative and promote ‘healthy masculinity’.

White Ribbon has free online resources that are available for the public to download and help them become a part of the solution.

White Ribbon has a large number of events occurring throughout Aotearoa, along with over 200 Ambassadors talking about healthy masculinity and the White Ribbon Riders traveling throughout New Zealand spreading the Kaupapa.

White Ribbon riders roar into Taupō

Mayor David Trewavas (left) and White Ribbon rider Takurua Tawera share a hongi outside the council chambers.

Heard the throaty rumble of a large group of motorbikes around Taupō today? It’s the White Ribbon riders who roared into town this morning, bringing with them a positive message of hope.

November is White Ribbon Month, marking the campaign to end family violence, and this year’s theme is ‘flipping the script’ on our expectations of boys.

As part of the events during November, the White Ribbon Riders travel throughout New Zealand spreading the non-violence kaupapa and promoting respectful relationships, healthy masculinity and tackling this country’s woeful family violence record.

The group of around 20 riders spent last night on a marae at Reporoa and came through Taupō today, calling first at the Taupō District Council chambers before heading to meet the public at The Warehouse. This afternoon, they planned to travel on to Hastings and eventually, to Wellington by Friday.

Mayor David Trewavas, deputy mayor Kevin Taylor and councillor Rachel Shepherd were all at the council chambers to welcome the White Ribbon riders and show their support for their message of healthy masculinity and respectful relationships.

Mr Trewavas thanked the riders for coming to Taupō to promote the message of eliminating violence towards women and whānau and spoke of the shocking toll that family violence takes across all levels of society.

White Ribbon rider Takurua Tawera, who attended the ride with his wife and young son, responded that it was a privilege for the riders to come to Taupō and thanked the council for showing its support and for caring for the community.

“The theme [this year] is flipping the script which means that part of our responsibility is how do we get our young fellas and raise them to be be good men,” Mr Tawera said.

“Our message is about how do we tell our boys that it’s all right to cry, that it’s cool being boys, changing that script.”

He said councils had a role to play in helping address family violence by caring for their communities and the people in them.

White Ribbon Graphics can be downloaded from here
More detailed information on this year’s campaign can be found here

Pet Refuge

Pet Refuge is standing in solidarity with White Ribbon against violence towards Women.

White Ribbon Day is on November 25th, this global movement aims to raise awareness about violence towards women. The people we help are predominately women and to show our support for this vital issue, we are giving a Pet Refuge “White Ribbon” to anyone who signs up to Sade Bed for Pets TM programme or donates $25 or more during the month of November. All you have to do is write Ribbon in the comments box when you donate and we will send you one!

We believe we should show our support all year round, as well as on the day. These ribbons are to hang on your pet’s collar or on your keychain or bag, anywhere where this symbol can start a conversation.

New Zealand has the highest rate of domestic violence in the OECD and sadly pets are very often caught up in this violence. We should all be talking about why this is happening. Stand with us in solidarity against violence towards women. Let’s have the conversation.

https://www.petrefuge.org.nz/

News from the Joint Venture Te Puna Aonui

We are delighted to share news from the Joint Venture about developments in the violence prevention sector.

The first annual Te Aorerekura hui took place in July and key themes this year included addressing equities, Tangata Whenua leadership, activating the power of communities, working together and strengthening relationships, and working toward a shared pathway.

MSD has significantly improved the online help available for people affected by family violence, including a new website to support behaviour change for users of violence. The online tools are intended to make it easier for people to access help, understand whether their relationship is healthy, and Ruth achieve behaviour change. The redeveloped Are you okay? website now provides 24/7 telephone and online web chat help for victims and survivors of family violence and those supporting them to be safe. They have also added  new tools including a check it out quiz for people who are concerned about their relationship and a service finder  tool which will be used on other websites to make access to services easier. MSD has also launched a new website In Your Hands for people who use violence.

This month new Firearms Prohibition Orders will come into effect from 16 November. The purpose of these court orders is to protect the public from harm by prohibiting ‘high-risk’ offenders from accessing, being around, or using firearms or other restricted with them such as pistols or airguns.

The children’s Flexi fund as a Police – Oranga Tamariki initiative that was launched in December 2020 that has now provided additional support for nearly 1500 children affected by family harm. More information about the fund, including the application form, can be found here.

It’s great to see elements of the Action Plan announced last year are beginning to appear. We hope you will be able to make good use of these new resources.

Te Puna Aonui brings 10 government agencies together to align whole-of-government strategy, policy and investment to eliminate family violence and sexual violence.

* Te Puna Aonui includes:
Ara Poutama Department of Corrections
Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga Ministry of Education
Manatū Hauora Ministry of Health
Te Tāhū or te Ture Ministry of Justice
Te Manatū Whakahiato Ora Ministry of Social Development – Ngā Pirihimana o Aotearoa New Zealand Police
Oranga Tamariki Ministry for Children
Te Kawa Mataaho Public Service Commission
Te Puni Kokiri Ministry of Māori Development
Te Kaporeihana Āwhina Hunga Whare ACC