Key Messages

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Challenge the #Outdated

• We are asking men to speak up about the #Outdated ideas they hear and sometimes feel pressured to conform to. We’ve all heard these phrases and we want to highlight behaviour that exemplifies healthy masculinity, and in doing so we will challenge the #Outdated.
• Healthy masculinity is about being kind, empathetic, finding peaceful resolutions to problems.
• It is about boys and men being confident in who they are without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man (See the section on Healthy Masculinity for more information). This campaign continues our focus on Respectful Relationships which are built on equality between women and men, the effective use of non-violent communication, flexible gender behaviour for men and women and respectful sexual relationships, which includes consent.

CHALLENGE THE #UNSPOKEN RULES

• #UnspokenRules are the expectations that boys and young men inherit from society, based on outdated ideas of what a man is, how he acts, and how he should express himself.
• Even if we don’t agree with them, these rules still exist silently in the background for far too many. Rules like, Be the Man, Toughen Up and Boys Don’t Cry reinforce unhelpful stereotypes about what it is to be a man.
• These #unspoken rules put pressure on boys and young men to behave in certain ways and dismiss behaviours perceived as“unmanly”, leading them to suppress their emotions and their individuality. This affects how our boys and young men feel about themselves, and how they treat others. It affects how they approach their relationships, and can lead them to act disrespectfully – even violently – toward their partners.
• We have the opportunity to use our voices as parents, caregivers and influencers to speak up over the #unspoken. By saying out loud to our boys and young men that it’s ok for them to be who they are, we can encourage them to define themselves as men who have respectful relationships – protecting our whole community.

Healthy Masculinity

• Our goal in preventing gendered violence as perpetrated by men is not the protection of victims, but to help men break out of some of the unhelpful stereotypes of being a man. Such a task requires a wider view of the attitudes and values that help to underpin, normalize, and lead to gendered violence. Our approach, and one that has been taken up in other countries as well, must be to find ways to help men open up to new ways of being a man.
• Part of that is stepping away from ideas of masculinity as dominant, violent, and overbearing, to embrace other possibilities for manhood: being kind, showing respect, and being open to change. If we want to break out of the man box, and model good behaviour for those around us, we don’t need to protect our loved ones, we need to show them that all men are capable expressing love, respect, and are open to challenging outdated stereotypes.

What healthy masculinity looks like –

• Healthy masculinity is rejecting unhelpful stereotypes and unspoken rules about what it is to be a boy or man.
• Healthy masculinity is about being kind, empathetic, finding peaceful resolutions to problems.
• Healthy masculinity is about boys and men being confident in who they are without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man.
• Boys and men can still be ‘brave’, and ‘having muscles’, assertive, tough, love rugby, enjoy time with other men and boys, enjoy a ‘pint’ with the lads (for men!). But boys and men should also be free to express sad emotions, enjoy cooking, dancing, gardening and anything else that does not fit into gender stereotypes.
• Healthy masculinity is treating everyone with respect.
• Healthy masculinity is recognising that people express gender and sexuality in a variety of ways.

Advantages of healthy masculinity –

• Healthy masculinity can lead to less stress and anxiety to conform.
• Healthy masculinity can mean that men and boys treat others better.
• Healthy masculinity can mean that boys and men are freer to follow their dreams and express themselves.
• Healthy masculinity can mean that women and girls are treated with respect.
• Healthy masculinity can mean that people feel freer to express their gender and sexuality without fear.

VIOLENCE TOWARDS WOMEN IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE

• It’s OK to ask for or offer help
• No violence is tolerable.  If you know someone who is being frightened or intimidated by the behaviour of someone else, it is not OK.
• Violence isn’t just physical.  It’s also emotional or verbal behaviour used to control someone through fear.

VIOLENCE IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL

• Psychological/emotional violence is a very common form of violence experienced by women and children. Many women say it is the worst kind of abuse.Psychological/emotional abuse is about manipulation and coercion, and affects your emotions and personality, rather than your body. Victims of emotional abuse can feel like they are going mad, are very frightened, and feel like they have no choices and are often made to feel like it’s their fault.This form of abuse is often underestimated. It’s not recognised by many people because it can be subtle and hidden. Survivors say psychological abuse attacks their spirit and self-esteem and its effects can last the longest.

MEN ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION

• Whether you are a husband, father, son, brother, uncle or granddad – we all have women in our lives that we love and wouldn’t want to see subjected to violence.
• The campaign aims to change men’s attitudes and behaviours, predominantly through men talking to men.  Men are role models for our children.  We need to nurture a culture that encourages respect and rejects violence.
• Like our White Ribbon Ambassador, Ruben Wiki, we can play sports and engage in physical activities with controlled aggression, but we must not bring violence into our homes.
• By wearing a White Ribbon, you can make it clear to other men that you do not tolerate violence towards women. White Ribbon Day is the international day when people, particularly men, wear a White Ribbon to show they won’t tolerate, condone or remain silent about violence towards women.
• You can also make sure your home, business, sports club is a safe environment where abusive behaviour is not tolerated.
• You can break the silence around domestic violence by challenging comments, statement and actions that are abusive, and supporting those who wish to change their abusive behaviour.

YOU CAN HELP FIX THIS PROBLEM

• Check that your actions and those of your mates are OK.  Be man enough to make a call on inappropriate behaviour.
• Make sure the women you know are OK.  If not, start a conversation with them, with their partners, or with someone who can help.
• For advice, call the helplines It’s Not Ok 0800 456 450 or Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843 or visit www.nnsvs.org.nz
• Wear a white ribbon every day, join a White Ribbon project or activity and show your support!

KEY STATISTICS

• One in three women will experience partner violence at some point in their lives[i]
• On average, 14 women are killed by their partners or ex partners in New Zealand each year.[ii]
• Over 3,500 convictions are recorded against men each year for assaults on women[iii]
• Only 20% of abuse cases are reported[iv]

The White Ribbon Campaign Trust and White Ribbon Committee work with multiple agencies and NGOs to coordinate the national campaign.  The White Ribbon campaign compliments but is separate to the family violence It’s Not OK campaign. White Ribbon sits outside of government.

FACT SHEET ON GENDER AND FAMILY VIOLENCE

For more information click here 

NON PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

• Psychological/emotional violence is a very common form of violence experienced by women and children. Many women say it is the worst kind of abuse.Psychological/emotional abuse is about manipulation and coercion, and affects your emotions and personality, rather than your body. Victims of emotional abuse can feel like they are going mad, are very frightened, and feel like they have no choices and are often made to feel like it’s their fault.This form of abuse is often underestimated. It’s not recognised by many people because it can be subtle and hidden. Survivors say psychological abuse attacks their spirit and self-esteem and its effects can last the longest.
  

  Psychological Violence includes:

          Threats to take the kids/hurt the kids
          Threats to hurt pets
          Damaging property/walls/possessions to scare you
          Stalking, following, checking up on you, possessiveness, excessive jealousness
          Making you isolated and alone
          Blaming everything on you, making you feel everything you do is wrong
          Name calling and put downs, e.g. humiliating you in front of friends
          Isolating you from family and friends
          Using unsafe driving to frighten you
          Making you feel scared
          Controlling what you do, how you spend money (controlling your choices)

  Effects of psychological/emotional violence include:

          Physical injury
          Living in constant fear
          Feeling worthless
          Low self-esteem and loss of confidence
          Depression
          Feeling out of control
          A distorted sense of reality
          Feeling suicidal/committing suicide/self-harm
          Violent thoughts or actions
          Alcohol and drug abuse
          Mental illness
          Anxiety and worry
          Inability to hold down work
          Feeling whakama/shame, guilt or embarrassment
          Withdrawing from family and friends
          Bad relationships between you and your children
          Eating and sleeping problems
          Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (ptsd)
          Loss of energy, feeling apathetic
          Loss of community and culture
          Self-blame
          Hurting others that are close
          Copying controlling and violent behaviour
   

  What action can you take?

  By naming the behaviour as violence, we say this behaviour is not ok. If someone is suffering from non-physical violence you can:

  • Listen
  • Be there
  • Look after the children
  • Offer practical help
  • Get help from It’s Not Ok – 0800 456 450, Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843, Shakti, Te Kaupenga/NNSVS, Shine, Police, Family Services Directory

  When helping:

  • Give support, not advice
  • Take violence seriously
  • Challenge the behaviour, not the person
  • Think about (their/your) safety
  • Don’t intervene in a violent situation or when people are angry or drunk
  • Choose a quiet time

  For further information look at the It’s Not OK website

  How will the campaign deliver the non-physical violence messages?

  The campaign will use this language; ‘Violence isn’t just physical, it’s also emotional or verbal behaviour used to control someone through fear. Things we say, or don’t say, contribute to the abuse. Using fear or domination to get what you want is not OK’. The messages will be included part way through the campaign, so that the early focus of the media is about a men’s movement.

  • name the behaviour that is described as non-physical violence
  • name the effects of non-physical violence
  • inform the public what action they can take