Toolbox

Welcome to the White Ribbon Toolbox:
Tips on how to build respectful relationships,the alternative to violence towards women.

Welcome to the White Ribbon Toolbox: Tips on how to build respectful relationships, the alternative to violence towards women.

This toolbox is for all guys. It gives practical tips on how to treat women equally, communicate respectfully and have a respectful sexual relationship too. There is also information if you’re concerned about your own behaviour, and how you can influence other men to be more respectful.

Although most men treat women with respect, the biggest cause of violence is the belief that men have more rights and power than women. Challenge these ideas and take responsibility for how you treat women. Ask yourself, “If I was being the kind of guy/father/husband I’d really like to be, what would I do?”

Being respectful will give you better relationships with women, as well as a happier, more satisfying life. Tell other men about this toolbox and say Yes to respectful relationships.

Download your Toolbox here:

EQUALITY

Download your Toolbox here: The strongest of respectful relationships are based on equality. That means not having power over women, or
assuming there are set roles or rules. Respect that she’s her own person and make decisions with her, not for her.

Take responsibility for your own behaviour and try these tips:

Question set ideas about how men or women should act. Letting each person choose how to act is more effective and healthier for everyone.
Let go of feeling you have to be in charge. Treat women as having equal power, especially over their own lives.
Check with women how you come across. Ask what specific actions you can take and genuinely consider adopting this behaviour.
Treat women how you’d like to be treated. Treat everyone as individuals, whether they are male or female.
Let each person choose how they act. Having no power plays in a relationship is much healthier for everyone, including you.
Make fair decisions together. Share who makes the calls, and share the compromises evenly.
Really listen to women. Alwys value their views as much as you value your own. Think about what they say and show you understand in how you reply.
Be open to a woman behaving how she wants. There’s no right way for women to be. You want them to be comfortable being themselves around you.
Treat women the same in private as you do in public. It’s not how others see you, it’s how you know yourself.
Have empathy. Imagine how it feels to be in the woman’s situation.
Notice other men. Look at how other men show respect to women and learn from them.
Hold respectful values. All cultures and religious beliefs promote respect between men and women, such as Mana Tane Mana Wahine. Even a general kiwi value like Everyone deserves a fair go supports respectful relationships.
Appreciate all the good things women give you. Notice how they improve your life and make you a better person. Tell them.

COMMUNICATION

Yes to taking it out with her WEB HEADER

Communicating respectfully is key to a good relationship. Conflict happens, but dealing with it respectfully makes the difference. When you’re in the moment, take a moment. Really listen, and talk about your feelings, so you can work through it together.

Take responsibility for how you communicate and try these tips:

Question set ideas about how men or women should act. Be open to how each person behaves and to how each person feels.
Let go of feeling you have to be in charge. Treat women as having equal say in your relationship, and equal importance in their opinions.
Check with women how you come across. Ask what specific actions you can take and have a go and behaving like this.
Really listen to women. Always value their views as much as you value your own. Think about what they say and be influenced by their ideas. Ask questions; you’ll learn new stuff.
Express yourself clearly. Say how you feel, what your concerns are and how you’d like things to turn out. Start sentences with “I feel…”.
Be open and honest. Talk with women in the way that you want to be talked to.
Be fair. Resolve things and don’t just dump on her or chip away at her.
Be OK with all your feelings. They’re all part of it. Express love, joy, compassion, appreciation, as well as uncertainty, fear and anger.
Manage yourself, especially when stressed. If you feel like you’re going to lose it, take time out to calm down until you’re ready to talk respectfully.
When you screw up, acknowledge it. Then do what you can immediately to put it right.
You don’t have to be perfect. But you do need to learn from experience.
Have compassion. We all make mistakes and no one has to be perfect.
Notice other men. See how other men show respect to women and learn from them.
Appreciate all the good things women give you. Notice how they improve your life and make you a better person. Tell them.

Yes to asking WEB HEADER

Asking before doing anything sexual is part of a respectful relationship. Don’t assume. You both get to choose, give consent, and change your minds at any time. Because sex is always better when you’re in it together, it’s gotta be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to everything.

Take responsibility for your sexual behaviour and try these tips:

Deliberately ask. It’s just like offering a cup of tea – you ask and if they say, ‘No thanks’ you don’t keep pressing them. And they can change their mind at any time.
Check along the way. It’s a process of ongoing agreement where each person needs to give consent in each particular activity.
You need an enthusiastic ‘Yes’. Before doing anything different, check in again. If you don’t get it, then don’t put any pressure on.
Check each person is able to give consent. If your partner is out of it from alcohol or drugs, she can’t agree, so stop. It’s illegal to have sex in these circumstances. Children can’t consent and this is why it is illegal to have sexual connection with anyone under 16. Click here to watch a video about consent.
Avoid threats. If you threaten your partner in any way she is not able to freely agree, so stop. This is violence and it’s illegal.
Question any preconceived ideas. Question any assumptions that men have a right to have sex or that they always have to take the lead.
Let each person choose how they behave. It’s sexier.
Be open and accepting. Make everyone feel comfortable about being themselves. Stay away from pornography or ideal images. Keep it real.
Demonstrate respect in private and in public. Being trustworthy is sexy.
Be respectful outside the bedroom too. Asking if she’s into it and not pressuring her is a good way to be respectful in all aspects of your relationship, such as planning a date or a holiday.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

Yes to questioning

If you’re concerned that you’re using violence or being disrespectful to women, take responsibility for your actions and try these tips:

Believe your life can be better. Nothing is set and you’ve learnt new things all your life. You can learn new ways of acting too.
Commit to being more respectful. Think about the sort of man you want to be. And if you’re a father, think about giving your kids a better life.
Talk to someone you trust. Get ideas and encouragement from a mate, a family member or a counsellor. This can really help.
Learn about your own behaviour. Get feedback from your partner or others so you understand what concerns them. Take the Positive Relationships Quiz to identify what you’re doing well and what you need to work on (It’s at http://areyouok.org.nz/resources/free-resources/positive-relationship-quiz ).
Learn new behaviour to replace your old ways. Look at how other men show respect, or try a course. You can find out what’s available on your area by ringing 0800 456 450, any day between 9am and 11pm.
Choose how you act in the future. Try the respectful actions in this toolbox. Even if it feels awkward at first, the more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll be.
Be aware of your feelings. If you start reacting in old ways, take time out. Get on your own, breathe more slowly, and choose what you can do differently.
Take small, realistic steps. Give yourself time and use your mistakes to learn and become more motivated.
Put things right with people you’ve hurt. Front up, acknowledge how your actions have affected them and hear them out. It takes time to rebuild trust.
Keep yourself together. Look after your health, especially your mental well-being. Manage your stress. Take care with alcohol and drugs.
Live by your values. All cultures and all religious beliefs promote respect between men and women, such as Mana Tane Mana Wahine. Even a general kiwi value like Everyone deserves a fair go supports respectful relationships.
Hang out with guys who do show women respect. You’ll start to become more like them.
Realise that most men do not use violence. Most men do not want others to show disrespect to women. Feel their support.

HELPING OTHER MEN

Yes to - influencing

If you’re around other men who are being violent towards women, here is how you can encourage them to be respectful:

Know that most men do not use violence and are respectful. Even if they don’t always show this publicly, you will have support.
Be yourself when you’re around other men. Talk about your partner as an equal and say what you appreciate about her. Show that you make decisions together.
Question any ideas about men being in charge. Question ideas of men always being right or having to be tough.
Show that you disapprove by not laughing or smiling. If another man says something disrespectful towards women, stay silent, turn away or walk off.
Say something that shows you don’t agree. Try:
“Come on, mate, you’re better than that.”
“Bro, not cool.”
“He mana wahine ehoa.”
“What if someone said that about your mum/sister/girlfriend?”
“I don’t think we’d agree with that, would we guys?”
“Why would you say that?”
“I know it’s a joke, but it’s just not funny.”
“Think about what you just said*.”
Talk openly about values that support respectful behaviour. These could be cultural values, such as the Tikanga Māori value of Mana Tane Mana Wahine, religious beliefs, or general ideas like Everyone’s equal or A fair go for all. This helps prevent violence.
Show your son how you respect women. Encourage him to express all his feelings and become the person he is by communicating respectfully.
Treat your daughter the same as you treat your son. She will learn from you and use you as a guide for what to expect from a partner.
Show support for anything that will prevent violence. Wear a White Ribbon and talk about why. Tell other men about this toolbox. Use Facebook and Twitter or plain old conversation to encourage other men to say Yes to respectful relationships.

*Most of these statements are taken from www.theline.org.au – an Australian national campaign that helps young people reject violence and develop healthy, respectful and equal relationships.

Final note:
This toolbox was developed by White Ribbon New Zealand as part of their 2015 campaign.
Feel free to use the toolbox as widely as possible and please acknowledge White Ribbon NZ. See www.whiteribbon.org.nz