Making Good Men

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Kia ora whanau, family and friends

You may be aware that a documentary featuring myself and actor Manu Bennett is to screen on Prime TV this coming Monday night 25th July on Prime Tv @9.30pm.

It is called Making Good Men and tells a very personal story about me, my whānau and the violence that darkened too many lives; and in particular Manu.

It was extremely difficult story to tell in such a public way.  But, it shows that even after a long period of time some incredible healing can be done.

The power of choice – we all have it!

I hope that people who watch Making Good Men will see that no matter what our situation is. No matter how hard it is, we all have the power to change. It wasn’t easy, but I chose to own the violence and fear that I created, to apologise to Manu and his whānau, to understand my father’s upbringing, suspend judgement and forgive my dad, and to tell our story.

Silence is damaging – silence allows violence to flourish unchecked

One of the things I do now is work with E Tū Whānau (click the link and have a look). One of the values we live by is Korero Awhi.   I have seen how powerful positive and supportive communication can be.  Standing up, speaking out, admitting our mistakes and challenging any violation of ourselves or others now; can create change for today and for future generations. Violence can destroy lives, families and communities. But, it can be stopped.

Forgiveness, aroha, redemption, hope

Forgiveness and aroha paved a pathway to redemption, and redemption created hope. I hope Making Good men will show that even the smallest glimmer of hope can be all that it takes to sow the seeds of change.

I am heartened and feel inspired by the discussion it is creating already.  You can have a look here: http://www.teamokura.com/making-good-men/

I hope you watch it. I hope it helps.  It helped me.

 

Nga mihi nui

Norm Hewitt

Bill O’Brien joins White Ribbon as an Ambassador

Bill & Lesley Elliott

Lesley Elliott and Bill O’Brien from the Sophie Elliott Foundation

White Ribbon proud to announce Bill O’Brien as a White Ribbon Ambassador

Bill O’Brien a former police officer, now writer and anti-violence advocate has taken on the role of White Ribbon Ambassador, a decision spurred by his previous experiences and research.

White Ribbon is a campaign that educates men about non-violent attitudes towards women. The campaign aims to end family violence, the seriousness of which is indicated by the 100,000 incidents which police attended in 2014. Ambassadors are a key way in which the White Ribbon Campaign challenges the behaviour of abusive men and builds support and visibility for non-violence.

“White Ribbon welcomes Bill as a White Ribbon Ambassador,’ says Rob McCann, White Ribbon Committee Campaign Manager. “This is a man who stands side by side with Lesley Elliott and the Sophie Elliott Foundation, delivering the kind of messages that our youth need to hear. Now White Ribbon will be able to benefit from that knowledge and commitment.”

Mr O’Brien has seen the trauma associated with violent behaviour during a 35-year-long policing career and is now a Trustee with the Sophie Elliott Foundation, where he advocates zero tolerance for abuse. Bill manages foundation aspects of the nationwide police run Loves-Me-Not workshops in schools.

“This is an opportunity for the Sophie Elliott Foundation and White Ribbon to work even more closely,” says Mr O’Brien, “ ensuring both boys and girls hear the same messages about respectful relationships.”

“I feel that people need to understand and appreciate the benefits of having a respectful relationship. By speaking out and educating young people about respect, we are shaping the well-being of communities.”

This year, White Ribbon will expand upon their ‘Respectful Relationships Campaign’, a building block which promotes concepts like consent and healthy communication techniques that help to protect against violence.

“I’ve seen the after effects of violence,” says Mr O’Brien. “It destroys lives and that’s why my focus is now directed at our youth. We need to ensure that they do not grow up and make the same violent choices that too many adults make. Research internationally indicates that the most effective way of reducing violence is through education.”

“I hope my role as a White Ribbon Ambassador will ensure that violence is not seen as an option for boys or acceptable to girls.”

 

lesley and sophie

Sophie Elliott Foundation

Website: www.sophieelliottfoundation.co.nz

Email:info@sophieelliottfoundation.co.nz

Facebook: sophieelliottfoundation

#better than this – a week-long series on family violence by the NZ Herald

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The New Zealand Herald have put together a series of articles about family violence in New Zealand called #betterthanthis. White Ribbon commends the Herald for putting together such a wide range of views that focused on what is one of the most serious issues affecting New Zealand. (All content belongs to the NZ Herald and special thanks must go to Anna Leask). Click to view the videos and articles.

Five years ago Emily Longley was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Her father Mark talks about the terrible toll of losing his daughter.

Five years ago Emily Longley was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Her father Mark Longley (White Ribbon Ambassador) talks about the terrible toll of losing his daughter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Editorial: Never any excuse for a man to hit a woman

Editorial: Never any excuse for a man to hit a woman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emily's story - 'The world was a better place with her in it'. Five years ago Emily Longley was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Today, her father Mark writes about the terrible toll of losing his daughter -- and the hope that her story can help others as the Herald launches a series on family violence.

Emily’s story – ‘The world was a better place with her in it’. Five years ago Emily Longley was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Today, her father Mark writes about the terrible toll of losing his daughter — and the hope that her story can help others as the Herald launches a series on family violence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kerre McIvor: 'The women drove them to violence. Bullshit'. Men who hit women are bullies and control freaks and they're dangerous. They seldom own up to their actions and instead try to paint themselves as victims

Kerre McIvor: ‘The women drove them to violence. Bullshit’. Men who hit women are bullies and control freaks and they’re dangerous. They seldom own up to their actions and instead try to paint themselves as victims

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John Key - 'No one should have to live a life of fear'

John Key – ‘No one should have to live a life of fear’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Superintendent Tusha Penny has worked on the front line for many years so she has seen it all —the wives beaten beyond recognition, the girlfriends strangled almost to death and the countless women lying dead in their own homes.

Superintendent Tusha Penny has worked on the front line for many years so she has seen it all —the wives beaten beyond recognition, the girlfriends strangled almost to death and the countless women lying dead in their own homes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video with Family Violence Facts: On average, police attend a family violence incident every five and a half minutes - that's 279 calls each day. • At least 80 per cent of family violence incidents are not reported to the police. • Last year, police attended about 105,000 domestic violence incidents. • If all incidents were reported, they would have attended at least 525,000 calls for help. • Children are present at about 80 per cent of all violent incidents in the home. • On average 13 women and 10 men are killed each year as a result of family violence. • One in three women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. • Family violence is estimated to cost the country between $4.1 billion and $7 billion each year.

Video with Family Violence Facts:
On average, police attend a family violence incident every five and a half minutes – that’s 279 calls each day.
• At least 80 per cent of family violence incidents are not reported to the police.
• Last year, police attended about 105,000 domestic violence incidents.
• If all incidents were reported, they would have attended at least 525,000 calls for help.
• Children are present at about 80 per cent of all violent incidents in the home.
• On average 13 women and 10 men are killed each year as a result of family violence.
• One in three women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime.
• Family violence is estimated to cost the country between $4.1 billion and $7 billion each year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One in three Kiwi women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. That's a third of our female population. These women are our mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, friends, workmates, neighbours.

One in three Kiwi women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. That’s a third of our female population. These women are our mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, friends, workmates, neighbours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Polly Gillespie: Growing up next door to family violence

Polly Gillespie: Growing up next door to family violence

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rotorua police are called to between 60 and 70 domestic violence incidents a week but local police say the situation is improving. Police say there's now an array of services working together to combat family violence but the problem is a complex, intergenerational one, and they are not naive, as they know many cases are still going unreported.

Rotorua police are called to between 60 and 70 domestic violence incidents a week but local police say the situation is improving.
Police say there’s now an array of services working together to combat family violence but the problem is a complex, intergenerational one, and they are not naive, as they know many cases are still going unreported.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video: New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the world. Eighty per cent of incidents go unreported - so what we know of family violence in our community is barely the tip of the iceberg

Video: New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the world. Eighty per cent of incidents go unreported – so what we know of family violence in our community is barely the tip of the iceberg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No one is immune It happens in the poorest of homes and the richest. Among the victims are our most educated people, and our most vulnerable.

No one is immune
It happens in the poorest of homes and the richest. Among the victims are our most educated people, and our most vulnerable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story of real victims. Some of this content may be confronting and upsetting. Please take care. It took her 10 years to leave him. Ten years of being hit, kicked, choked, strangled. Ten years of hiding the abuse from the outside world. But the night he almost killed her, that was the night she left. It was her son's seventh birthday.

The story of real victims. Some of this content may be confronting and upsetting. Please take care. It took her 10 years to leave him. Ten years of being hit, kicked, choked, strangled. Ten years of hiding the abuse from the outside world. But the night he almost killed her, that was the night she left. It was her son’s seventh birthday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story of real victims. Some of this content may be confronting and upsetting. Please take care I was 18, I had just been stabbed multiple times by my ex-boyfriend, who was keeping me captive in a room that we once used to call our home. "Don't worry, we'll be together in heaven soon," he whispered as he tried to suffocate me.

The story of real victims. Some of this content may be confronting and upsetting. Please take care
I was 18, I had just been stabbed multiple times by my ex-boyfriend, who was keeping me captive in a room that we once used to call our home. “Don’t worry, we’ll be together in heaven soon,” he whispered as he tried to suffocate me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When a loved one chooses to stay"You think this is bad; it's going to get a lot worse for you. Every day, I will follow you around and let you know what I think of you... I will make your life hell from now on. Just you wait, this is nothing. You can't get away from me. I will destroy you."

When a loved one chooses to stay “You think this is bad; it’s going to get a lot worse for you. Every day, I will follow you around and let you know what I think of you… I will make your life hell from now on. Just you wait, this is nothing. You can’t get away from me. I will destroy you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men are victims too

Men are victims too “Talk to someone outside the relationship about the abuse to get a different perspective about what is happening. Talk to your partner about it -if you can. “If it does not stop – leave.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A survivor's story - 'Abuse is tiring' Sometimes your home can feel like a prison. Mine did. It was a beautiful prison, but I was desperate to leave it. For me, a sense of isolation and despair was very real. I also had the responsibility of our children and their despair and needs at every level.

A survivor’s story – ‘Abuse is tiring’
Sometimes your home can feel like a prison. Mine did. It was a beautiful prison, but I was desperate to leave it. For me, a sense of isolation and despair was very real. I also had the responsibility of our children and their despair and needs at every level.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 18-years-old the last thing you want to think about when you get your first serious boyfriend is about domestic abuse.

At 18-years-old the last thing you want to think about when you get your first serious boyfriend is about domestic abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even after fifteen and a half years after I left the memories can still come back and overwhelm me. He came from a dysfunctional family, had low self-esteem and was a heavy drinker. He never hit me but words and threats can be just as damaging.

Even after fifteen and a half years after I left the memories can still come back and overwhelm me. He came from a dysfunctional family, had low self-esteem and was a heavy drinker. He never hit me but words and threats can be just as damaging.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeremy Eparaima punched, kicked, bashed, choked and bullied his way through a marriage and two other relationships. He physically and emotionally abused his kids. Because of him his family lived in fear. The abuse spanned almost 30 years before he realised that he had to change.

Jeremy Eparaima punched, kicked, bashed, choked and bullied his way through a marriage and two other relationships.
He physically and emotionally abused his kids. Because of him his family lived in fear.
The abuse spanned almost 30 years before he realised that he had to change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the past 10 years Aaron Steedman has co-ordinated Shine's stopping violence programme for men and works with people from all walks of life. He knows first hand about perpetrators because he was one.

For the past 10 years Aaron Steedman has co-ordinated Shine’s stopping violence programme for men and works with people from all walks of life. He knows first hand about perpetrators because he was one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Domestic violence is a male problem. There's a sad fact about violence in this country: how safe you are is determined the second you are conceived. Your gender is the single biggest predictor of your lifelong risk of physical assault, childhood sexual assault, adult rape and intimate partner violence.

Domestic violence is a male problem. There’s a sad fact about violence in this country: how safe you are is determined the second you are conceived. Your gender is the single biggest predictor of your lifelong risk of physical assault, childhood sexual assault, adult rape and intimate partner violence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Church mentors help local men man up. "Sick and tired" of seeing stories about men abusing women and children, Harry Haira decided to do his bit to help solve the issue.

Church mentors help local men man up. “Sick and tired” of seeing stories about men abusing women and children, Harry Haira decided to do his bit to help solve the issue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's never too late for violent men to change their behaviour. That's the view of Ngati Ranganui domestic violence programme facilitator Franklin Ririnui, who helps Tauranga men address their propensity towards domestic violence.

It’s never too late for violent men to change their behaviour.
That’s the view of Ngati Ranganui domestic violence programme facilitator Franklin Ririnui, who helps Tauranga men address their propensity towards domestic violence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do men who kill their wives or partners receive such short jail sentences?

Why do men who kill their wives or partners receive such short jail sentences?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family violence never sleeps or takes a break and those on the front line know that better than anyone.

Family violence never sleeps or takes a break and those on the front line know that better than anyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anna Leask spent time with police, Shine and in the Family Violence Court in Auckland City speaking to those tasked with responding to family violence on the front line, to give readers a ground-level insight into what is happening behind the doors of far too many New Zealand homes.

Anna Leask spent time with police, Shine and in the Family Violence Court in Auckland City speaking to those tasked with responding to family violence on the front line, to give readers a ground-level insight into what is happening behind the doors of far too many New Zealand homes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Behind closed doors it was like a war zone' In 2004 I met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams. He was so nice in front of people but behind closed doors it was like a war zone.

‘Behind closed doors it was like a war zone’ In 2004 I met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams. He was so nice in front of people but behind closed doors it was like a war zone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Law reforms look out for desperate victims. Battered women who kill their abusers would be able to claim self-defence even if the threat of violence was not imminent, under reforms recommended by the Law Commission.

Law reforms look out for desperate victims. Battered women who kill their abusers would be able to claim self-defence even if the threat of violence was not imminent, under reforms recommended by the Law Commission.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helen Meads was shot dead just days after leaving a violent relationship. Since then, her father White Ribbon Ambassador David White has crusaded against family violence in a bid to save others' lives

Helen Meads was shot dead just days after leaving a violent relationship. Since then, her father White Ribbon Ambassador David White has crusaded against family violence in a bid to save others’ lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What can we do to fix the problem? New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the world. Eighty per cent of incidents go unreported — so what we know of family violence in our community is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today is the final day of We’re Better Than This, a week-long series on family violence. Our aim is to raise awareness, to educate, to give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.

What can we do to fix the problem?
New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the world. Eighty per cent of incidents go unreported — so what we know of family violence in our community is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today is the final day of We’re Better Than This, a week-long series on family violence. Our aim is to raise awareness, to educate, to give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Web

 

Waatea 5th Estate -“Men on Men’s Violence”

MartinMartyn ‘Bomber’ Bradbury on Waatea Television interviewed over a period of two nights, a panel of experts asking why New Zealand men are so violent.

Joining the show to discuss domestic violence in Aotearoa was Psychotherapist Blogger & Broadcaster Kyle MacDonald, Domestic Violence Activist Vic Tamati and social worker & community activist James Papali’i.

 

Part 2 on Men’s Violence in Aotearoa. Joining the show was White Ribbon Ambassador Richie Hardcore, Operations & Project Manager for Women’s Refuge Rhonda Cox – Nissen, and Ted Ratana from Tane Ora Rehabilitative Program.

 

Thanks to Martyn ‘Bomber’ Bradbury and waatea news.com
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New Zealand Local Hero Finalists

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When White Ribbon Ambassador and White Ribbon Rider Colin Agnew was awarded his Kiwibank Community Hero Medal, he was hundreds of miles away on the White Ribbon Ride. His Grandson Flynn stepped in to accept the award and wrote this amazing speech about his Grandfather.

After the White Ribbon Ride he presented the award to his Granddad at home, something he was very proud to do.

 

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We would also like to congratulate White Ribbon Ambassador Tim Marshall for his recognition for the tremendous work he undertakes in the Gisborne community and at the Tauawhi Mens Centre.

Tim Marshall finalistsTim wrote this following his award. “Ehara taku toa, he toa takitahi, engari he toa takitini – as the whakatauki goes – my achievements are not mine alone but that of many that support me. I just want to acknowledge all of the kind words, thoughts and comments that have come my way over the last week. To be acknowledged as a local hero alongside others at a ceremony here last year was awesome, and to go on and have to opportunity to attend last week’s awards – alongside my family and among so many other awesome people was an honour and a privilege.

Tairawhiti is full of local heros doing great things and hopefully I could represent that by my being there. I want to specially thank my Mum & Dad Russell & Barbara, Amiria and Matt and Whetumarama (my greatest supporter) for being there. Also thanks to George & Charly, Phil and Sam (and whanau) for their support from afar and Ngahuia, who nominated me in 2014, which I think indrectly kicked all of this off! Also to my Family Works/PSEC whanau and the members of the Tauawhi brotherhood (and sisterhood) Nga mihi aroha ki a koutou katoa.” Tim Marshall

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Jackie talking about the work of White Ribbon at the awards

Jackie talking about the work of White Ribbon at the awards

Two more White Ribbon Riders were recognised. Neil McKee is the Wellington President of the Widows Sons and is one of the North Island White Ribbon Riders. He was awarded the Local Hero medal for his efforts in promoting White Ribbon and for his work with the ‘Ride of Respec’t and ‘Heart Kids’. He is joined by his wife Alison.

Neil with the CEO OF Kiwi Bank getting his medal

Neil with the CEO OF Kiwi Bank getting his medal

 

Jackie Adams was awarded a medal for his work in organising the West Coast part of the White Ribbon Ride for the past four years, his work with Te Rito, the charity events he has run for Cancer Care, the RSA, Rescue Helicopter, St Johns and White Ribbon. Jackie was joined by his wife Tara on the night.

 

Tara, Jackie, Neil and Alison

Tara, Jackie, Neil and Alison

The Death Review Report

Family Violence Death Review

FVDRC co-chair Professor Dawn Elder

The Death Review Report has highlighted a number of issues. One that we feel strongly about is the need to work with men who use violence and also, that agencies need to take responsibility for the safety of family violence victims.

FVDRC co-chair Professor Dawn Elder says it is time to change our collective understanding of how we should address family violence. “We need to think differently about family violence and understand it is not a series of isolated incidents affecting an individual victim. Rather, family violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour used by an individual and between individuals that can have multiple victims – both children and adults – in the past, present and future.”
Responces to the report:
TV3 and interview with FVDRC co-chair Professor Dawn Elder
Shine
Women’s Refuge
Aviva

START WITH RESPECT

Start-with-Respect

How to be a good guy 101

You wanna to be a good guy, right? Whether hooking up at a party, or getting into something a bit more serious, or you’re all over Tinder – you want to treat your partners with respect.

If you’re not sure where to start with the opposite sex, we’ve got some simple tips for how to get a good relationship going with women. Download this document as a PDF.

Start with respect

Showing respect is attractive to others.

This means treating others how you want to be treated.

Sometimes you might find it a bit difficult to talk to women – especially women you’re into – but they’re people, just like you. And they’re probably nervous too. Whether you’re wanting a hook up or a girlfriend, think about how you want your partner to respond to you, and treat her the same way.

Respect her, listen to what she has to say, do what you say you’ll do, and, obviously, show some real interest in her as a person.

Remember, every woman is someone’s daughter, sister or friend, so treat her how you want other men to treat the women you care for.

 

Consent is sexy

Before you talk to a woman, you’ve got to get your head around one thing:

they don’t owe you sex.

Whatever you’re doing, and whoever you’re doing it with, enthusiastic consent is always your starting point. That includes things like sexting. You and your partner both get to weigh in on what happens, and you can both change your minds whenever you want to. You can’t ever ‘earn’ the right to have sex with someone. If anything’s going ahead, you have to both be equally into it, the whole way along.

Here’s what we mean:

Ask, don’t assume
Don’t just assume your partner is OK with whatever you’re doing. You actually need to ask and pay attention to how she’s acting. Only proceed if she wants to. And even more important, you need to accept what she wants.

Keep checking
Keep checking in. After all, relationships and sex can involve lots of different activities – saying yes to one doesn’t mean you say yes to everything. Before you take it a step further or change things up, ask if she’s OK with it. Again, don’t put pressure on if she says no.

And you also get to say what you’re OK doing.

Can she say yes?
If you’re a good guy, these points will be obvious. If a woman is out of it, from alcohol or drugs, she can’t give you the big thumbs up. Not resisting you isn’t the same as giving consent. You’ve got to leave it – even if she’s your girlfriend, even if she seems to be into it. Girls under 16 can’t give their consent either – they’re minors. If your partner isn’t able to agree, having sex is illegal.

No pressure
Consent only counts if it’s given freely – that means no threats or tricks, including things like guilt trips or giving the silent treatment. It’s not just a crappy thing to do, it’s illegal.

Watch a quick video about sex and consent here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8&feature=youtu.be

 

take care down there

Sex is fun, but it can be serious too.

You can get some painful and disgusting STIs if you don’t use protection, plus getting your partner pregnant has a big effect on everyone for a very long time. Find out more at http://www.familyplanning.org.nz/advice .

You both need to be responsible for contraception and protection – don’t just assume she’s on the pill and hope it will all be good. It can be a bit awkward to talk about this stuff, but your junk will thank you for it.

 

be real

Always be yourself.

It sounds super cheesy, but sharing your real thoughts and feelings helps women (and people, in general) understand and connect with you.

Remember you’ll both be feeling nervous. Treating each other with respect is the best way to get through this.

Unless you’re 12, stop playing games. If you like someone and want a relationship with them, make it obvious.

Starting a relationship with lies and tricks just makes things more complicated – and you’ll be found out eventually.

do the right thing

Being trustworthy is cool.

That means being consistent and reliable – show up when you say you will, reply to texts, don’t go behind people’s backs or let them down.

It also means respecting your partner’s privacy – only share things she’s OK with you sharing.

 

don't believe everything you see

TV shows, movies, even ads can be weirdly old fashioned about how men and women act, and when you grow up hearing and seeing those messages all over the place, it’s easy to believe them. Clips you watch on the internet (you know the ones) can be even worse. If all your ideas about women and sex come from porn, you might be in for a shock when you meet a real live woman.

Life doesn’t have a script but you get to act how you choose.

Don’t assume that men always have to take the lead when it comes to sex. Don’t think that you’re the dominant partner because you’re male. Women also feel sexy so don’t have double standards – she’s not a slut for doing the exact same things you do.

Macho dudes who buy into those traditional roles aren’t just sexist – they’re harmful to everyone. Showing you’re not like that isn’t just the right thing to do – it can make you safer to be around, and more attractive too.

 

call out your mates

Doing the right thing for the women in your life means calling out shitty, sexist behaviour when you see it. It’s not easy to be the buzzkill who shoots down a joke – you can do it gently, so your mates don’t feel too stink. It goes a long way to making the world feel safer for women.

For more ideas about how to react to your mates see https://whiteribbon.org.nz/sexual-violence-and-the-issue-of-consent/toolbox/

 

Stop Street Harassment

If you’re a dude, you probably haven’t had people whisper sleezy comments at you when you’re jogging, sit way too close on the bus, or yell at you from passing cars. These things happen to women and girls all the time, and they can range from annoying to terrifying.

Just don’t do it.

Go ahead, talk to women: just make it respectful and genuine. If you’re just trying to ‘score her’, she’ll be able to tell. Think about the time and place (a dark street at 3am? Nope) and back off straight away if she’s not interested.

Think about how you’d want other men to treat your sister or mother.

 

talk and listen

Be up-front about what you want from the relationship.

Are you keeping it casual, seeing what happens, or do you want to get married next year?

 So you flirted, asked her out, and now you’re a thing. Sweet. But that doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. You’re both still in charge of your own lives.

You might end up wanting different things or it doesn’t work out. Again, think about how you want to be treated and act that way towards your partner. You can be respectful when you her know you’re not into her any more.

And if she wants something different you have to accept her decision. It’s OK to feel hurt and it’s best to talk about your feelings with others you trust, so that you can move on.

Even if you’re jealous or taking it hard, it’s wrong to punish or pressure her, threaten or intimidate her, or stalk her (even online). That is creepy and illegal.

 

Be a guy youd want to hang out with

It’s about being the person you want to be. And living with yourself forever.

We all make mistakes, but if you try to be a good guy, you’ll feel better about yourself in the long run. You don’t want to be replaying old conversations in your head or avoiding people you know you’ve treated badly.

Follow this advice and be a good guy. We need more people like you

Download this document as a PDF

Thanks to ACC, Garth Baker and Words for Breakfast

 

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