Consent explained with a cup of tea

Consent. It’s a powerful word that, for some bizarre reason, is still argued about to this day. It seems many people still don’t really get what “consent” means.Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess created a metaphor that simplifies the concept and this was later made into a video. Have a watch or a read, and please share.

If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.

You say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go, “OMG, f*ck yes, I would f*cking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!” Then you know they want a cup of tea.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people can’t answer the question, “Do you want tea?” because they are unconscious.

If you say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then — this is the important bit — don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say, “No, thank you,” then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, okay?

They might say, “Yes, please, that’s kind of you,” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question, “Do you want tea?” because they are unconscious.

Okay, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and — this is the important bit — don’t make them drink the tea.

If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat.

If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe.  Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going, “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK,” or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT.”

Team Wellington victorious

Team Wellington celebrate (Photo by Grant Stantiall)

The first ever White Ribbon Cup has been won by Team Wellington 5-1 in an exciting match in Hamilton.  Striker Ethan Galbraith (No 12) scored 3 goals in the 2012 White Ribbon Cup Final against Waikato FC.  The final result was 5-1.

The competition was introduced this season to provide meaningful competition to ASB Premiership sides not involved in OFC Champions League football and supports White Ribbon, a campaign to raise awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

“Hosting the White Ribbon Cup final in Hamilton is a another opportunity to take a football event around the country,” said Grant McKavanagh, “and a chance to raise awareness of the White Ribbon campaign and the powerful work it does in helping men put an end to domestic violence.”

“It was a hard fought match,” said Rob McCann, Families Commission White Ribbon Manager, “and just as it should be. Players were aggressive on the ball, but showed sportsmanship throughout, and the lived up to the football slogan, there no room for violence on or off the feild.

“The White Ribbon Cup has been a terrific competition that has spread the anti violence message up and down the country with both players and supporters being exposed to the messages. It’s essential that the kaupapa is shared with as many men (and women) as possible if we’re to change people’s perceptions about violence.

“I’d like to thank Football NZ for their wonderful support and of course the players and their supporters, who’ve made the inaugural White Ribbon Cup such a success,” said Mr McCann

Hamilton to host White Ribbon Cup final

There's no room for violence on or off the field

March 19, 2012

Waikato FC will host the final of the White Ribbon Cup against Team Wellington at Hamilton’s Gower Park on Sunday April 1.

Waikato’s 3-1 over YoungHeart Manawatu in Taupo on Saturday confirmed their place in the final after an earlier win over Hawke’s Bay United while Team Wellington earned their shot with wins over Canterbury United and Otago United it the southern conference.

The competition was introduced this season to provide meaningful competition to ASB Premiership sides not involved in OFC Champions League football and supports White Ribbon, a campaign to raise awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

The White Ribbon Cup final comes amidst a busy weekend for football in New Zealand with the Football Ferns taking on Papua New Guinea in the first leg of the OFC Women’s Olympic final qualifier in Whangarei on Saturday and Wellington Phoenix scheduled to host a knockout semi-final in the first round of the A-league playoffs that weekend.

The final round of the O-League is also scheduled for Saturday with Auckland City already confirmed of a place in the final but Waitakere United still chasing the other spot.

“Hosting the White Ribbon Cup final in Hamilton is a another opportunity to take a football event around the country,” said Grant McKavanagh, “and a chance to raise awareness of the White Ribbon campaign and the powerful work it does in helping men put an end to domestic violence.”

A win for either White Ribbon finalist will mark their first ever silverware although Team Wellington is eyeing a double having also made the semi finals of the ASB Premiership which begin on April 15.

Sunday 1 April
Waikato FC v Team Wellington
Gower Park, Hamilton
Kickoff 1pm

New Zealand Football – White Ribbon Cup

In October 2010 New Zealand Football and the New Zealand Professional Footballers Association (NZPFA) partnered with White Ribbon – as the All Whites’ official cause and announced the first-ever White Ribbon Cup.

This is a cause that senior international and father of two, Ivan Vicelich, said had the full support from All Whites players.

“Sometimes being tough gets confused with being violent, but as a team we demonstrate that both on and off the field violence is not OK. Most of us have wives now, some have daughters. But all of us, and in fact all men have women in their lives – a friend, a sister, their mother – that they wouldn’t want to see in harm’s way. Signing up for White Ribbon is a way we can publicly show that men are the solution.”

Football Poster

The creation of a White Ribbon Cup will raise awareness of men’s violence against women and give all the top domestic teams that are not involved in Champions League football a bigger diet of football. The first two games have already been played and for more information click here www.asbpremiership.co.nz

Harry Ngata

We believe the relationship between White Ribbon and football is only just beginning. Future All Whites games will be used to raise awareness of the White Ribbon Campaign and already members of the team have signed the personal pledge to never commit, condone or remain silent about violence towards women, while Harry Ngata, former international and NZPFA board member became a White Ribbon Ambassador.

Ngata’s father, the late Dr. Paratene (Pat) Ngata, was an active campaigner for the cause. Harry explains, “For me it’s about legacy – not just from Dad’s work but also about the sort of role models sportsmen can be, and the sort of influence they can have when they stand up for up for what is right. You don’t have to experience violence to understand just how terrible the effects can be on women, and children.”

White Ribbon Cup

Round

Date

Time

Home

Away

Venue

1

3 Dec

14:00

WaikatoFC Hawke’s Bay United CrownPark, Taupo

 

3 Dec

13:00

TeamWellington CanterburyUnited DaveFarringtonPark
 

2

19 Feb

14:00

YoungHeart  Manawatu WaikatoFC Memorial Park

 

19 Feb

14:00

CanterburyUnited Otago United ASBFootballPark
 

3

3 Mar

12:00

Hawke’s Bay United YoungHeart  Manawatu CrownPark, Taupo

 

3 Mar

14:00

Otago United TeamWellington TahunaPark
 

Final

1 Apr

TBC

White Ribbon Cup Final (Northern Winner v Southern Winner)

White Ribbon Cup

The White Ribbon Cup

The White Ribbon Cup, a new competition for ASB Premiership clubs not involved in Champions League football, kicks off this weekend on 03 December

The six teams – Hawke’s Bay United, Waikato FC and YoungHeart Manawatu in the Northern Conference and Canterbury United, Otago United and Team Wellington in the Southern group – will play two games each with the two conference winners meeting in the final on April 1.

The matches, two of which will be hosted in Taupo, will also see local match day activity for the White Ribbon campaign, adopted recently by the All Whites as their official cause.

The White Ribbon campaign raises awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

All games will be played when the ASB Premiership takes breaks for the OFC Champions League giving the teams not involved much needed football.

“One of the main aims is to give all our top domestic teams a bigger diet of football at this level and the White Ribbon Cup is an important step towards that,” said New Zealand Football Chief Executive Grant McKavanagh.

“With the welcome distraction that the O-League causes in our season we needed to find a solution for the other six clubs.

“It’s also a practical way we can raise awareness of White Ribbon and the positive anti-violence messages of that campaign.”

White Ribbon Soccer Campaign

The campaign is led by the Families Commission which actively supports a suite of family violence initiatives including the It’s Not OK campaign, the Family Violence Clearinghouse, Family Violence Statistics report and the White Ribbon Campaign.

“We’re delighted to build on our relationship with New Zealand Football and have the White Ribbon Cup add to the support shown already by the All Whites to end violence against women,” said Families Commission White Ribbon Campaign Manager Rob McCann.

“The campaign is about men talking to men in ways that men understand so sport can be a great vehicle for communicating the message that you can be tough and play with controlled aggression, but you can’t bring that aggression into the home.”

New Zealand Football have indicated that future editions of the White Ribbon Cup will have an increased number of rounds to match the full O-League calendar.

Waikato and Hawke’s Bay meet at Taupo’s Crown Park at 2pm on Saturday with Team Wellington hosting Canterbury United at David Farrington Park in the capital at 3pm.

White Ribbon Cup 2011/12 Draw

Round

Date

Time

Home

Away

Venue

1

3 Dec

14:00

Waikato FC Hawke’s Bay United Crown Park, Taupo
 

3 Dec

13:00

Team Wellington Canterbury United Dave Farrington Park Weka St, Miramar, Wellington
 

2

19 Feb

14:00

YoungHeart  Manawatu Waikato FC Memorial Park
 

19 Feb

14:00

Canterbury United Otago United ASB Football Park
 

3

3 Mar

12:00

Hawke’s Bay United YoungHeart  Manawatu Crown Park, Taupo
 

3 Mar

14:00

Otago United Team Wellington Tahuna Park
 

Final

1 Apr

TBC

White Ribbon Cup Final (Northern Winner v Southern Winner)

Crystal’s death must mean something

Media Release
02 December 2019
Crystal’s death must mean something
Crystal Selwyn was the victim of family violence and White Ribbon acknowledges the terrible hurt and pain that Crystal’s family and friends must now cope with.
Crystal died on 23rd November, just days before 25 November, White Ribbon Day, the international day when we focus on the elimination of men’s violence towards women.
“At the request of the family we have provided white ribbons for the funeral held today,” said Rob McCann, White Ribbon Manager. “We have also posted the Give A Little page ‘Koha for Crystal Selwyn‘ on our Facebook page.”
“Family Violence affects more than just the one person. The whole family will feel the effects of this tragedy for a lifetime and eight children will grow up without a mother,” said Mr McCann.
“These deaths must stop, and they can if we challenge the attitudes that support violence.”
“Too many New Zealanders think that violence towards women is the result of someone losing their temper. It is not. Violence is a tool used in relationships to control the other person, and too often it is learned behaviour. If we tell our young men not to cry or to toughen up, we are creating young men that do not know how to express their emotions or have Respectful Relationships.”
“If we want to honour the memory of the 17 women killed this year then we need to break the cycle of violence. We need to teach our young men skills that equip them to have Respectful Relationships, and we need to talk about Respectful Sexual Relationships, and not leave pornography to be our children’s primary educator. We need to stand up and intervene when we witness or hear behaviour that is harmful or derogatory to women, and we need to stop victim blaming,” said Mr McCann.
White Ribbon offers free tools on its website to help people undertake all these actions.

Cup of tea video https://whiteribbon.org.nz/2015/07/12/consent-explained-with-a-cup-of-tea/
provided by Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess who wrote the script.

Actions we can take to reduce violence – Eight videos
https://vimeo.com/showcase/5537622

Talk with young men about respectful relationships and porn – video
https://vimeo.com/299375746

From the White Ribbon Toolbox – Raising Boys who respect
https://whiteribbon.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/Toolbox-Raising-Boys-Who-Respect-White-Ribbon.pdf

Following the Grace Millane trial, what can we do?

White Ribbon acknowledges the unimaginable hurt and pain the Millane family has suffered, and will continue to endure following the guilty verdict handed down today.

“While one person that has caused so much harm is behind bars, this trial must do something to prevent violence towards women,” says Rob McCann, White Ribbon Manager.

Following the verdict we must take action to prevent violence. That means taking real steps such as talking about consent, disrupting other men’s violence or talking about respectful sexual relationships and pornography. Doing nothing is one option that is not open to the country with the highest rate of reported violence towards women.”

“As a father, I am grateful the jury were able to understand the issue of consent. In my experience there are far too many people that do not understand the concept and the need for consent to be ongoing and active.”

“White Ribbon explains the concept using what is called the ‘cup of tea video’. In the video the act of sex is replaced with having a cup of tea. The video explains you can’t force a person to drink tea, people can change their mind about drinking tea, and if they fall unconscious they can’t be forced to drink the tea.”

“This is a really simple and effective way of teaching consent,” says Mr McCann.

“We also need to acknowledge that a perpetrator’s attitudes and behaviour will be known to their mates. Poor behaviour does not come from a vacuum and it is incumbent on all of us to call out bad behaviour when we see it. It might start off as disrespectful jokes about women while you are in a bar. That might not initially seem harmful, but the reality is that by saying nothing, you are actually sending the signal that the disrespectful behaviour is ok and all too often that behaviour escalates.”

“We are asking the public to intervene and disrupt other men’s violence.  This is commonly called bystander intervention.”

White Ribbon produced a video about how to help by disrupting other men’s violence. You can watch the video here.

The third thing White Ribbon is suggesting is that we talk about pornography with our young men and women.

“Pornography is becoming more violent and more readily accessible,” says Mr McCann. “We believe it is changing the attitudes and behaviour of our young men and women. If our young men mimic pornography, then they treat women as conquests rather than human beings. This behaviour might be seen by some as manly, but ultimately, it’s unhealthy and bad for both men and women.”

White Ribbon recommends you be clear with your children – tell them that porn isn’t real. That it doesn’t show any real relationships, and the sex is often degrading, violent or disrespectful to women. We recommend that you talk about what respectful sexual behaviour looks like – and how you won’t see it in most porn. White Ribbon has produced a video about talking with young men about respectful relationships and porn.

 

 

Additional notes:

Rape Culture
Refers to when society normalises sexualised violence. By doing that we accept and create rape culture.

Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.”

White Ribbon focuses on changing men’s social norms to undermine their support of sexual violence. Having men break out of the Man Box prevents a ‘rape culture’ from developing.

Examples of Rape Culture

  • Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
  • Trivialising sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
  • Sexually explicit jokes
  • Tolerance of sexual harassment
  • Inflating false rape report statistics
  • Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
  • Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
  • Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
  • Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
  • Pressure on men to “score”
  • Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
  • Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
  • Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
  • Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
  • Teaching women to avoid getting raped

 

Bystander Intervention

If you hear someone say something disrespectful or display unhealthy behaviours such as harassing women, telling inappropriate jokes, picking a fight, etc., there are a few things you can do to challenge the language or behaviour. By doing nothing we are effectively condoning the behaviour. You can use one or more of the 4Ds;

  • be Direct – challenge them verbally ‘that’s not cool, bro’
  • Distract – get them to do something else, or ask a question of the person who is on the receiving end of the unhealthy behaviour to engage them in conversation (useful if you don’t feel safe being direct)
  • Delegate – talk to someone else about what is going on. Ask their friend/parent/workmate/boss what they think of the behaviour and if there is anything they can do to address it. Work together to see what you could do.
  • Delay – it might not always feel safe to intervene or challenge at the time, depending on the situation, so you can ask them later about whether they realised their behaviour was harmful, or ask the person who might have been on the receiving end how they are.
    (Adapted from – https://www.ihollaback.org/resources/bystander-resources/)
  • Watch and talk to others about this resource – Who Are You? (for older teenagers) https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=iUj2OHLAG3w

Get support for yourself

  • Talk to your mates and your family
  • https://www.lifeline.org.nz/
  • Find a Stopping Violence Service in your area
  • Hey Bro – https://www.hewakatapu.org.nz/services/0800-hey-bro
  • Youthline – https://www.youthline.co.nz/
  • Rainbow Youth – https://ry.org.nz/
  • Men’s groups – https://www.renews.co.nz/mens-circles-helping-kiwi-men-express-themselves/?fbclid=IwAR1pGd73jAEqPYHOxLccswSZLPSDt_zdmn76Zh52eggooHgwdSllyuwP_m4
  • https://www.mosaic-wgtn.org.nz/ – Supporting male survivors of sexual abuse

 

The need to educate your young men and women

When it comes to issues such as pornography and sexual relationships, adults need to have conversations about respectful sexual relationships and consent with our young men and women. By keeping silent (whether through embarrassment or a lack of knowledge or fear) we are allowing third parties such as pornography, media, or their mates to educate our youth. The information they receive can be harmful and often does not ensure they know what they are seeing is NOT real. Many young men are presenting with issues such as erectile dysfunction because the porn they are watching is so violent or extreme and real life does not create the same excitement. Young women are presenting with incontinence issues due to the extreme sex they think they need to participate in. There are also real issues with the increase in violence within porn with physical hitting, strangulation and treating women as receptacles for men’s pleasure. The key issue is that we have to have these conversations. White Ribbon provides information in the Toolbox Section – Respectful Sexual Relationships and Start with Respect at https://whiteribbon.org.nz/toolbox/ (this includes ages and stages information), a video on talking about sexual relationships and pornography with young men https://vimeo.com/299375746. You can also use the Cup of Tea Video to talk about the issue of Consent https://whiteribbon.org.nz/?s=cup+of+tea

All these resources are freely available.

 

What causes the violence

Violence is not about people losing control. Intimate partner violence is about power and control. Violence is a tool used to keep control in a relationship.
It is rigid ideas about gender and gender roles that contribute to men’s use of violence against females.
Even with 80% of family and intimate-partner violence incidents going unreported, New Zealand still has the worst rate for this violence in the world. Our country also has the third highest rate of sexual assault in the world. This indicates that too many New Zealand men still express their masculinity through dominance and power over women.

 

Specific links between masculinity and violence are:

  • Where a culture expects masculinity to involve dominance and toughness there is male violence against females.
  • If an individual man over-conforms to perceived male gender expectations of strength, power and domination, he is more likely to rape women.
  • There’s more sexual violence where men and women have segregated lives, a belief in male sexual conquest, strong male bonding, high alcohol consumption, use of pornography, and sexist social norms.
  • Sexual violence serving as a tool for men and boys to prove their manhood, achieve the social status of a “real man,” and establish power over others.
  • When men believe that they are not – or are not perceived to be – “masculine enough,” they may use intimate partner violence to overcompensate or conform with gendered expectations.

White Ribbon believes young men can be socialised into having unhealthy attitudes and behaviours. This occurs through the media we watch, society’s expectations and the #UnspokenRules that surround us. Our November Campaign focuses on Challenging the #UnspokenRules such as Boys Don’t Cry, Toughen Up and Be the Man.

These #unspoken rules put pressure on boys and young men to behave in certain ways and dismiss “unmanly” behaviour, leading them to suppress their emotions and their individuality. This affects how our boys and young men feel about themselves, and how they treat others. It affects how they approach their relationships, and can lead them to act disrespectfully – even violently – toward their partners.

We have the opportunity to use our voices as parents, caregivers and influencers to speak up over the #unspoken. By saying out loud to our boys and young men that it’s ok for them to be who they are, we can encourage them to define themselves as men who have respectful relationships – protecting our whole community.

 

The campaign will focus on undermining these unhelpful #unspoken rules, and promoting healthy masculinity (and Respectful Relationships) as an alternative.

  • Healthy masculinity is rejecting unhelpful stereotypes and #unspoken rules about what it is to be a boy or man.
  • Healthy masculinity is about being kind, empathetic, finding peaceful resolutions to problems.
  • Healthy masculinity is about boys and men being confident in who they are without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man.
  • Boys and men can still be ‘brave’, ‘have muscles’, assertive, tough, love rugby, enjoy time with other men and boys, enjoy a ‘pint’ with the lads. But boys and men should also be free to express sad emotions, enjoy cooking, dancing, gardening and anything else that does not fit into gender stereotypes.
  • Healthy masculinity is treating everyone with respect and having Respectful Relationships (which always include consent).
  • Healthy masculinity is recognising that people express gender and sexuality in a variety of ways.

 

White Ribbon promotes respectful relationships to prevent domestic and sexual violence against women. Respectful relationships are based on:

  • Equality between men and women. Gender equity in personal relationships and all social spheres, reduces violence against women.
  • Flexible gender behaviour for all. Having men breaking out of the Man Box and choosing their own masculine identity prevents their use of violence.
  • Non-violent communication. Men being emotionally aware and expressive gives them alternatives to aggression.
  • Enthusiastic consent for all sexual activities. Having willing participation is crucial to preventing sexual violence.

Following the Grace Millane trial, what can we do?

White Ribbon Media Release
22 November 2019

 

Following the Grace Millane trial, what can we do?

White Ribbon acknowledges the unimaginable hurt and pain the Millane family has suffered, and will continue to endure following the guilty verdict handed down today.

“While one person that has caused so much harm is behind bars, this trial must do something to prevent violence towards women,” says Rob McCann, White Ribbon Manager.

“As a father, I am grateful the jury were able to understand the issue of consent. In my experience there are far too many people that do not understand the concept and the need for consent to be ongoing and active.”

“White Ribbon explains the concept using what is called the ‘cup of tea video’. In the video the act of sex is replaced with having a cup of tea. The video explains you can’t force a person to drink tea, people can change their mind about drinking tea, and if they fall unconscious they can’t be forced to drink the tea.”

“This is a really simple and effective way of teaching consent,” says Mr McCann.

“We also need to acknowledge that a perpetrator’s attitudes and behaviour will be known to their mates. Poor behaviour does not come from a vacuum and it is incumbent on all of us to call out bad behaviour when we see it. It might start off as disrespectful jokes about women while you are in a bar. That might not initially seem harmful, but the reality is that by saying nothing, you are actually sending the signal that the disrespectful behaviour is ok and all too often that behaviour escalates.”

“We are asking the public to intervene and disrupt other men’s violence.  This is commonly called bystander intervention.”

White Ribbon produced a video about how to help by disrupting other men’s violence. You can watch the video here.

The third thing White Ribbon is suggesting is that we talk about pornography with our young men and women.

“Pornography is becoming more violent and more readily accessible,” says Mr McCann. “We believe it is changing the attitudes and behaviour of our young men and women. If our young men mimic pornography, then they treat women as conquests rather than human beings. This behaviour might be seen by some as manly, but ultimately, it’s unhealthy and bad for both men and women.”

White Ribbon recommends you be clear with your children – tell them that porn isn’t real. That it doesn’t show any real relationships, and the sex is often degrading, violent or disrespectful to women. We recommend that you talk about what respectful sexual behaviour looks like – and how you won’t see it in most porn. White Ribbon has produced a video about talking with young men about respectful relationships and porn.

“Following the verdict we must take action to prevent violence. That means taking real steps such as talking about consent, disrupting other men’s violence or talking about respectful sexual relationships and pornography. Doing nothing is one option that is not open to the country with the highest rate of reported violence towards women.”

 

 

White Ribbon Media
Nancy Blackler 0272425318 nancy@blackoutmusic.co.nz
Rob McCann 0212122953 rob@whiteribbon.org.nz
Spokespeople Rob McCann, Mark Longley, Richie Hardcore, Anna Campbell, Karlene Jonkers

 

Additional notes:

Rape Culture
Refers to when society normalises sexualised violence. By doing that we accept and create rape culture.

Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.”

White Ribbon focuses on changing men’s social norms to undermine their support of sexual violence. Having men break out of the Man Box prevents a ‘rape culture’ from developing.

Examples of Rape Culture

  • Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
  • Trivialising sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
  • Sexually explicit jokes
  • Tolerance of sexual harassment
  • Inflating false rape report statistics
  • Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
  • Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
  • Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
  • Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
  • Pressure on men to “score”
  • Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
  • Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
  • Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
  • Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
  • Teaching women to avoid getting raped

 

Bystander Intervention
It is likely that many of the accused’s mates will have known of his behaviour or elements of it. As mates we have an opportunity to set the norms of what is ok and what is not.

If you hear someone say something disrespectful or display unhealthy behaviours such as harassing women, telling inappropriate jokes, picking a fight, etc., there are a few things you can do to challenge the language or behaviour. By doing nothing we are effectively condoning the behaviour. You can use one or more of the 4Ds;

  • be Direct – challenge them verbally ‘that’s not cool, bro’
  • Distract – get them to do something else, or ask a question of the person who is on the receiving end of the unhealthy behaviour to engage them in conversation (useful if you don’t feel safe being direct)
  • Delegate – talk to someone else about what is going on. Ask their friend/parent/workmate/boss what they think of the behaviour and if there is anything they can do to address it. Work together to see what you could do.
  • Delay – it might not always feel safe to intervene or challenge at the time, depending on the situation, so you can ask them later about whether they realised their behaviour was harmful, or ask the person who might have been on the receiving end how they are.
    (Adapted from – https://www.ihollaback.org/resources/bystander-resources/)
  • Watch and talk to others about this resource – Who Are You? (for older teenagers) https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=iUj2OHLAG3w

Get support for yourself

  • Talk to your mates and your family
  • https://www.lifeline.org.nz/
  • Find a Stopping Violence Service in your area
  • Hey Bro – https://www.hewakatapu.org.nz/services/0800-hey-bro
  • Youthline – https://www.youthline.co.nz/
  • Rainbow Youth – https://ry.org.nz/
  • Men’s groups – https://www.renews.co.nz/mens-circles-helping-kiwi-men-express-themselves/?fbclid=IwAR1pGd73jAEqPYHOxLccswSZLPSDt_zdmn76Zh52eggooHgwdSllyuwP_m4
  • https://www.mosaic-wgtn.org.nz/ – Supporting male survivors of sexual abuse

 

The need to educate your young men and women
When it comes to issues such as pornography and sexual relationships, adults need to have conversations about respectful sexual relationships and consent with our young men and women. By keeping silent (whether through embarrassment or a lack of knowledge or fear) we are allowing third parties such as pornography, media, or their mates to educate our youth. The information they receive can be harmful and often does not ensure they know what they are seeing is NOT real. Many young men are presenting with issues such as erectile dysfunction because the porn they are watching is so violent or extreme and real life does not create the same excitement. Young women are presenting with incontinence issues due to the extreme sex they think they need to participate in. There are also real issues with the increase in violence within porn with physical hitting, strangulation and treating women as receptacles for men’s pleasure. The key issue is that we have to have these conversations. White Ribbon provides information in the Toolbox Section – Respectful Sexual Relationships and Start with Respect at https://whiteribbon.org.nz/toolbox/ (this includes ages and stages information), a video on talking about sexual relationships and pornography with young men https://vimeo.com/299375746. You can also use the Cup of Tea Video to talk about the issue of Consent https://whiteribbon.org.nz/?s=cup+of+tea

All these resources are freely available.

 

What causes the violence

Violence is not about people losing control. Intimate partner violence is about power and control. Violence is a tool used to keep control in a relationship.

It is rigid ideas about gender and gender roles that contribute to men’s use of violence against females.

Even with 80% of family and intimate-partner violence incidents going unreported, New Zealand still has the worst rate for this violence in the world. Our country also has the third highest rate of sexual assault in the world. This indicates that too many New Zealand men still express their masculinity through dominance and power over women.

 

Specific links between masculinity and violence are:

  • Where a culture expects masculinity to involve dominance and toughness there is male violence against females.
  • If an individual man over-conforms to perceived male gender expectations of strength, power and domination, he is more likely to rape women.
  • There’s more sexual violence where men and women have segregated lives, a belief in male sexual conquest, strong male bonding, high alcohol consumption, use of pornography, and sexist social norms.
  • Sexual violence serving as a tool for men and boys to prove their manhood, achieve the social status of a “real man,” and establish power over others.
  • When men believe that they are not – or are not perceived to be – “masculine enough,” they may use intimate partner violence to overcompensate or conform with gendered expectations.

White Ribbon believes young men can be socialised into having unhealthy attitudes and behaviours. This occurs through the media we watch, society’s expectations and the #UnspokenRules that surround us. Our November Campaign focuses on Challenging the #UnspokenRules such as Boys Don’t Cry, Toughen Up and Be the Man.

These #unspoken rules put pressure on boys and young men to behave in certain ways and dismiss “unmanly” behaviour, leading them to suppress their emotions and their individuality. This affects how our boys and young men feel about themselves, and how they treat others. It affects how they approach their relationships, and can lead them to act disrespectfully – even violently – toward their partners.

We have the opportunity to use our voices as parents, caregivers and influencers to speak up over the #unspoken. By saying out loud to our boys and young men that it’s ok for them to be who they are, we can encourage them to define themselves as men who have respectful relationships – protecting our whole community.

 

The campaign will focus on undermining these unhelpful #unspoken rules, and promoting healthy masculinity (and Respectful Relationships) as an alternative.

  • Healthy masculinity is rejecting unhelpful stereotypes and #unspoken rules about what it is to be a boy or man.
  • Healthy masculinity is about being kind, empathetic, finding peaceful resolutions to problems.
  • Healthy masculinity is about boys and men being confident in who they are without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man.
  • Boys and men can still be ‘brave’, ‘have muscles’, assertive, tough, love rugby, enjoy time with other men and boys, enjoy a ‘pint’ with the lads. But boys and men should also be free to express sad emotions, enjoy cooking, dancing, gardening and anything else that does not fit into gender stereotypes.
  • Healthy masculinity is treating everyone with respect and having Respectful Relationships (which always include consent).
  • Healthy masculinity is recognising that people express gender and sexuality in a variety of ways.

 

White Ribbon promotes respectful relationships to prevent domestic and sexual violence against women. Respectful relationships are based on:

  • Equality between men and women. Gender equity in personal relationships and all social spheres, reduces violence against women.
  • Flexible gender behaviour for all. Having men breaking out of the Man Box and choosing their own masculine identity prevents their use of violence.
  • Non-violent communication. Men being emotionally aware and expressive gives them alternatives to aggression.
  • Enthusiastic consent for all sexual activities. Having willing participation is crucial to preventing sexual violence.

 

Launch of 2015 campaign

White Ribbon MP Ambassadors sign the pledge

Photo: left to right David Clendon MP, Mark Mitchell MP, Alfred Ngaro MP, Jonathan Young MP and Steffan Browning MP

White Ribbon Ambassadors Launch ‘Respectful Relationships’ Campaign

Five White Ribbon Ambassadors from Parliament stood together to launch this year’s White Ribbon Campaign by re-signing the White Ribbon Pledge to ‘never commit condone or remain silent about violence towards women’ and to talk about ‘Respectful Relationships’.

If you want to teach your children respect,” says MP and White Ribbon Ambassador Alfred Ngaro, “then teach them by role modeling and respecting their mothers. Love them and care for them, and they will learn from that.”

This year after community consultation, White Ribbon has created a bold campaign that asks men, what kind of guy do they want to be, respectful or violent?

Posters-2015---all-threer

2015 Campaign Posters

“Most men treat women with respect,” says White Ribbon Campaign Manager Rob McCann, “but the biggest cause of violence is the belief that men have more rights and power than women. This campaign asks men to challenge those ideas and treat women how they would like to be treated, and let go of the feeling that we have to be in charge.”

The campaign also focuses on ‘male behaviour during conflict’ and demonstrates that communicating is key to a good relationship. “Conflict happens,” says Mr McCann, “but dealing with it respectfully makes all the difference.”

“Respectful relationships also require consent. We’re making it crystal clear, that there has to be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to everything, otherwise there is no consent.”

cup of teaTo get that point across, White Ribbon has been given permission to host the ‘cup of tea’ video which has been viewed over two million times around the world http://whiteribbon.org.nz/sexual-violence-and-the-issue-of-consent/consent/. “We’re asking men of all ages in New Zealand to watch this video explanation of consent,” says Mr McCann.

“We want to make the information on consent as accessible as possible, so we’ve also created a ‘Toolbox’ which contains practical tips on how to treat women equally, communicate respectfully and have a respectful sexual relationship. We see this work as a protection against violence and we’re asking men to download the ‘Toolbox’ and then take The White Ribbon Pledge,” says Mr McCann.

Check out the campaign at www.whiteribon.org.nz and download your Toolbox now.

 

KEY STATISTICS

•       One in three women will experience partner violence at some point in their lives

•       Less than 20 percent of abuse cases are reported

•       Over 3,500 convictions are recorded against men each year for assaults on women

•       On average, 14 women a year are killed by their partners or ex-partners

•       Police attend a family violence incident every 5 ½ minutes

•       Family violence accounts for half of all reported serious crime

•       In 2013 Police recorded 95,101 family violence instigations

•       In 2014 Police responded to over 100,000 family violence incidents

 

KEY MESSAGES

•       Say yes to respectful relationships and no to violence towards women

•       Respectful relationships require equality, communication and consent

•       Violence is not just physical

•       Men are part of the solution

•       You can help fix this problem by taking The Pledge

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Campaign Manager
Mobile  021 212 2953

 

Toolbox

WELCOME | EQUALITY | COMMUNICATION | CONSENT | TAKING RESPONSIBILITY | HELPING OTHER MEN

Welcome to the White Ribbon Toolbox:
Tips on how to build respectful relationships,the alternative to violence towards women.

Welcome to the White Ribbon Toolbox: Tips on how to build respectful relationships, the alternative to violence towards women.

This toolbox is for all guys. It gives practical tips on how to treat women equally, communicate respectfully and have a respectful sexual relationship too. There is also information if you’re concerned about your own behaviour, and how you can influence other men to be more respectful.

Although most men treat women with respect, the biggest cause of violence is the belief that men have more rights and power than women. Challenge these ideas and take responsibility for how you treat women. Ask yourself, “If I was being the kind of guy/father/husband I’d really like to be, what would I do?”

Being respectful will give you better relationships with women, as well as a happier, more satisfying life. Tell other men about this toolbox and say Yes to respectful relationships.

Download your Toolbox here:

Download your Toolbox here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

EQUALITY

Download your Toolbox here:The strongest of respectful relationships are based on equality. That means not having power over women, or
assuming there are set roles or rules. Respect that she’s her own person and make decisions with her, not for her.

Take responsibility for your own behaviour and try these tips:

  • Question set ideas about how men or women should act. Letting each person choose how to act is more effective and healthier for everyone.
  • Let go of feeling you have to be in charge. Treat women as having equal power, especially over their own lives.
  • Check with women how you come across. Ask what specific actions you can take and genuinely consider adopting this behaviour.
  • Treat women how you’d like to be treated. Treat everyone as individuals, whether they are male or female.
  • Let each person choose how they act. Having no power plays in a relationship is much healthier for everyone, including you.
  • Make fair decisions together. Share who makes the calls, and share the compromises evenly.
  • Really listen to women. Alwys value their views as much as you value your own. Think about what they say and show you understand in how you reply.
  • Be open to a woman behaving how she wants. There’s no right way for women to be. You want them to be comfortable being themselves around you.
  • Treat women the same in private as you do in public. It’s not how others see you, it’s how you know yourself.
  • Have empathy. Imagine how it feels to be in the woman’s situation.
  • Notice other men. Look at how other men show respect to women and learn from them.
  • Hold respectful values. All cultures and religious beliefs promote respect between men and women, such as Mana Tane Mana Wahine. Even a general kiwi value like Everyone deserves a fair go supports respectful relationships.
  • Appreciate all the good things women give you. Notice how they improve your life and make you a better person. Tell them.

 

COMMUNICATION

Yes to taking it out with her WEB HEADER

Communicating respectfully is key to a good relationship. Conflict happens, but dealing with it respectfully makes the difference. When you’re in the moment, take a moment. Really listen, and talk about your feelings, so you can work through it together.

Take responsibility for how you communicate and try these tips:

  • Question set ideas about how men or women should act. Be open to how each person behaves and to how each person feels.
  • Let go of feeling you have to be in charge. Treat women as having equal say in your relationship, and equal importance in their opinions.
  • Check with women how you come across. Ask what specific actions you can take and have a go and behaving like this.
  • Really listen to women. Always value their views as much as you value your own. Think about what they say and be influenced by their ideas. Ask questions; you’ll learn new stuff.
  • Express yourself clearly. Say how you feel, what your concerns are and how you’d like things to turn out. Start sentences with “I feel…”.
  • Be open and honest. Talk with women in the way that you want to be talked to.
  • Be fair. Resolve things and don’t just dump on her or chip away at her.
  • Be OK with all your feelings. They’re all part of it. Express love, joy, compassion, appreciation, as well as uncertainty, fear and anger.
  • Manage yourself, especially when stressed. If you feel like you’re going to lose it, take time out to calm down until you’re ready to talk respectfully.
  • When you screw up, acknowledge it. Then do what you can immediately to put it right.
  • You don’t have to be perfect. But you do need to learn from experience.
  • Have compassion. We all make mistakes and no one has to be perfect.
  • Notice other men. See how other men show respect to women and learn from them.
  • Appreciate all the good things women give you. Notice how they improve your life and make you a better person. Tell them.

 

Yes to asking WEB HEADER

Asking before doing anything sexual is part of a respectful relationship. Don’t assume. You both get to choose, give consent, and change your minds at any time. Because sex is always better when you’re in it together, it’s gotta be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to everything.

Take responsibility for your sexual behaviour and try these tips:

  • Deliberately ask. It’s just like offering a cup of tea – you ask and if they say, ‘No thanks’ you don’t keep pressing them. And they can change their mind at any time.
  • Check along the way. It’s a process of ongoing agreement where each person needs to give consent in each particular activity.
  • You need an enthusiastic ‘Yes’. Before doing anything different, check in again. If you don’t get it, then don’t put any pressure on.
  • Check each person is able to give consent. If your partner is out of it from alcohol or drugs, she can’t agree, so stop. It’s illegal to have sex in these circumstances. Children can’t consent and this is why it is illegal to have sexual connection with anyone under 16. Click here to watch a video about consent.
  • Avoid threats. If you threaten your partner in any way she is not able to freely agree, so stop. This is violence and it’s illegal.
  • Question any preconceived ideas. Question any assumptions that men have a right to have sex or that they always have to take the lead.
  • Let each person choose how they behave. It’s sexier.
  • Be open and accepting. Make everyone feel comfortable about being themselves. Stay away from pornography or ideal images. Keep it real.
  • Demonstrate respect in private and in public. Being trustworthy is sexy.
  • Be respectful outside the bedroom too. Asking if she’s into it and not pressuring her is a good way to be respectful in all aspects of your relationship, such as planning a date or a holiday.

 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

Yes to questioning

If you’re concerned that you’re using violence or being disrespectful to women, take responsibility for your actions and try these tips:

  • Believe your life can be better. Nothing is set and you’ve learnt new things all your life. You can learn new ways of acting too.
  • Commit to being more respectful. Think about the sort of man you want to be. And if you’re a father, think about giving your kids a better life.
  • Talk to someone you trust. Get ideas and encouragement from a mate, a family member or a counsellor. This can really help.
  • Learn about your own behaviour. Get feedback from your partner or others so you understand what concerns them. Take the Positive Relationships Quiz to identify what you’re doing well and what you need to work on (It’s at http://areyouok.org.nz/resources/free-resources/positive-relationship-quiz ).
  • Learn new behaviour to replace your old ways. Look at how other men show respect, or try a course. You can find out what’s available on your area by ringing 0800 456 450, any day between 9am and 11pm.
  • Choose how you act in the future. Try the respectful actions in this toolbox. Even if it feels awkward at first, the more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll be.
  • Be aware of your feelings. If you start reacting in old ways, take time out. Get on your own, breathe more slowly, and choose what you can do differently.
  • Take small, realistic steps. Give yourself time and use your mistakes to learn and become more motivated.
  • Put things right with people you’ve hurt. Front up, acknowledge how your actions have affected them and hear them out. It takes time to rebuild trust.
  • Keep yourself together. Look after your health, especially your mental well-being. Manage your stress. Take care with alcohol and drugs.
  • Live by your values. All cultures and all religious beliefs promote respect between men and women, such as Mana Tane Mana Wahine. Even a general kiwi value like Everyone deserves a fair go supports respectful relationships.
  • Hang out with guys who do show women respect. You’ll start to become more like them.
  • Realise that most men do not use violence. Most men do not want others to show disrespect to women. Feel their support.

 

HELPING OTHER MEN

Yes to - influencing

If you’re around other men who are being violent towards women, here is how you can encourage them to be respectful:

  • Know that most men do not use violence and are respectful. Even if they don’t always show this publicly, you will have support.
  • Be yourself when you’re around other men. Talk about your partner as an equal and say what you appreciate about her. Show that you make decisions together.
  • Question any ideas about men being in charge. Question ideas of men always being right or having to be tough.
  • Show that you disapprove by not laughing or smiling. If another man says something disrespectful towards women, stay silent, turn away or walk off.
  • Say something that shows you don’t agree. Try:
    “Come on, mate, you’re better than that.”
    “Bro, not cool.”
    “He mana wahine ehoa.”
    “What if someone said that about your mum/sister/girlfriend?”
    “I don’t think we’d agree with that, would we guys?”
    “Why would you say that?”
    “I know it’s a joke, but it’s just not funny.”
    “Think about what you just said*.”
  • Talk openly about values that support respectful behaviour. These could be cultural values, such as the Tikanga Māori value of Mana Tane Mana Wahine, religious beliefs, or general ideas like Everyone’s equal or A fair go for all. This helps prevent violence.
  • Show your son how you respect women. Encourage him to express all his feelings and become the person he is by communicating respectfully.
  • Treat your daughter the same as you treat your son. She will learn from you and use you as a guide for what to expect from a partner.
  • Show support for anything that will prevent violence. Wear a White Ribbon and talk about why. Tell other men about this toolbox. Use Facebook and Twitter or plain old conversation to encourage other men to say Yes to respectful relationships.

 

*Most of these statements are taken from www.theline.org.au – an Australian national campaign that helps young people reject violence and develop healthy, respectful and equal relationships.

Final note:
This toolbox was developed by White Ribbon New Zealand as part of their 2015 campaign.
Feel free to use the toolbox as widely as possible and please acknowledge White Ribbon NZ. See www.whiteribbon.org.nz