Violence is taught – so who’s doing the teaching?

Last year, with your support, White Ribbon was able to put together the Boys will be Boys Respectful Campaign, which emphasises the role we need to play to ensure our young men grow up to be part of the solution – not the problem.

What makes this an urgent issue is that when we don’t take up that role of educating the next generation, their peers, or pornography, or influencers such as Andrew Tate become the loudest voices in the room, and there’s a clear link between believing in the kind of attitudes Tate personifies – and violence.

Currently there’s significant discourse about the role influencers are playing in the lives of our youth. Andrew Tate is a prime example of someone who has a supersized platform. He’s wealthy, powerful, and many young men want to be like him. Some have signed up to his online The Hustler’s University 2.0 (currently offline) which promotes some pretty horrible attitudes while encouraging those same young men to enroll their mates and earn cash for bringing in new recruits.

If you’re not familiar with Andrew Tate, he promotes a misogynistic soup of sexism, outdated ideas about men being in charge and dominant. His thoughts are cloaked in images of success and financial wealth and power, which often appeals to young men.

He says women belong in the home, can’t drive, and are a man’s property. He talks about slapping and choking women, doesn’t believe in depression and is openly homophobic.

He has said that rape victims must “bear responsibility” for the attacks on them, and openly dates women aged 18–19 because he can “make an imprint” on them, according to videos posted online.

He emphasizes the importance of material possessions while devaluing human relationships.

Recently, audio has been leaked of a voice note he allegedly recorded and sent to one of the women he has been accused of raping. This audio comes with a trigger warning, and the views on the video clip are from The Hill presenters in America and are not White Ribbon’s.

While the good news is that Tate has been detained since December by the Romanian Police as they investigate allegations of rape and trafficking, men just like him with harmful attitudes are still targeting young men, and their messages are still being absorbed by our youth.

That’s why White Ribbon has had a focus on promoting Healthy Masculinity and Respectful Relationships, because the knowledge and understanding of these concepts is a protection against violence, and they provide a healthy framework for young men to find their own way.

Understanding Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity gives them the skills and knowledge to know what a realistic and rewarding relationship looks like, as opposed to the controlling and shallow manipulation promoted by the Andrew Tates of this world.

Are we winning the battle?

I don’t think so. There simply isn’t enough government funding going into this aspect of violence prevention. In fact, only 1.8% of the governments family violence budget is spent on prevention. Adding to the problem, not enough men or adults are standing up and saying let’s have these difficult conversations – which is why one of the tag lines from our November campaign is, boys become the men we teach them to be. Unfortunately, it seems too often we’re leaving it up to others to be the teachers.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that only 10% to 20% of secondary school students have had a conversation in their homes about healthy relationships, sex and sexuality. Compounding that silence from parents, secondary school sex education is far from compulsory (or consistent) in New Zealand. That means it’s quite possible our tamariki are slipping through their teen years without appropriate mentoring and knowledge.

Alongside the Andrew Tates of this world, another influence can be pornography which can reflect and amplify misogyny. The Chief Censor’s 2018 NZ Youth and Porn Study found 1 in 4 young people saw porn before the age of 12, with 71% inadvertently viewing it. 69% have seen violence or aggression, and 72% have seen non-consensual activity. As one 15-year-old male wrote, “some porn is brutal, violent and degrading to women…it can lead you to believe that this is how you treat a woman.” That view of the dangers of pornography is widely held by many professionals.

A 2019 content-analysis looking at 200 popular porn clips indicated that 35% of porn showed coercive behaviour, and 46% had incestual themes. The analysis noted that aggression is almost always aimed at females, and they most often respond with pleasure in the videos.

The potential harms and impacts that pornography can have include:

• incorrect sexual attitudes and beliefs
• poor real life sex outcomes
• poor mental health outcomes
• inappropriate and sexually aggressive behaviours
• compulsive pornography usage

In my view, both pornography and influencers such as Mr Tate are products and reflections of a much larger pattern of misogyny. Our advice is that education is the best protection against your children believing in sexist and harmful attitudes, and then potentially acting that way towards their partners.

What can we do?

As the grownups in the room we need to have discussions with our young people about what Respectful Relationships look like, and what Healthy Masculinity looks like.

It’s worth noting that if this framework doesn’t fit your family because your child is challenging what were perceived as gender norms, have a read of Kids and Gender Toolbox and then come back to the other free resources such as Raising Boys who Respect and Respectful Sexual Relationships. You can find all these resources here.

Parents and teachers aren’t born experts on these subjects, nor are our own relationships perfect, so it’s a great idea to read the free material we provide, or watch the video below.

The most important advice is don’t pretend to be the expert, or talk down to your kids. Just let them know you want to have these kinds of chats with them. Why – because it’s your role as a parent/caregiver/coach to ensure they understand what a real and respectful relationship and sexual relationship looks like – as opposed to the unrealistic and sometimes harmful ideas promoted by pornography, or the likes of Tate.

And if you’re still struggling with the, ‘why do I have to do this?’ question, last week White Ribbon received an email from a student alerting us to a female school dean telling the young men (which included her boyfriend), that if she sees one of them cry in front of her, she won’t care because ‘they’re not being real men’.

That’s just a variation of the warped and #outdated masculinity that Andrew Tate is promoting. So please, challenge the #outdated, and let’s have the conversation with our young men and women.

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Manager

Helpful videos that relate to these subjects, graphics can be downloaded from here.

Other Interesting articles about Andrew Tate:

The lessons Andrew Tate doesn’t want you to learn about talking with young men
by White Ribbon Ambassador Richie Hardcore on Stuff

Andrew Tate: research has long shown how feminist progress is always followed by a misogynistic backlash
Lisa Sugiura of the University of Portsmouth

Men are embracing ‘positive masculinity’ and say it’s working – despite the backlash
Wendy Tuohy of The Sydney Morning Herald

Inside the violent, misogynistic world of TikTok’s new star, Andrew Tate
Shanti Das of The Guardian

Andrew Tate: The ‘violent’ and viral TikTok star who has domestic violence campaigners worried
Michelle Elias of The Feed

Team Wellington victorious

Team Wellington celebrate (Photo by Grant Stantiall)

The first ever White Ribbon Cup has been won by Team Wellington 5-1 in an exciting match in Hamilton.  Striker Ethan Galbraith (No 12) scored 3 goals in the 2012 White Ribbon Cup Final against Waikato FC.  The final result was 5-1.

The competition was introduced this season to provide meaningful competition to ASB Premiership sides not involved in OFC Champions League football and supports White Ribbon, a campaign to raise awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

“Hosting the White Ribbon Cup final in Hamilton is a another opportunity to take a football event around the country,” said Grant McKavanagh, “and a chance to raise awareness of the White Ribbon campaign and the powerful work it does in helping men put an end to domestic violence.”

“It was a hard fought match,” said Rob McCann, Families Commission White Ribbon Manager, “and just as it should be. Players were aggressive on the ball, but showed sportsmanship throughout, and the lived up to the football slogan, there no room for violence on or off the feild.

“The White Ribbon Cup has been a terrific competition that has spread the anti violence message up and down the country with both players and supporters being exposed to the messages. It’s essential that the kaupapa is shared with as many men (and women) as possible if we’re to change people’s perceptions about violence.

“I’d like to thank Football NZ for their wonderful support and of course the players and their supporters, who’ve made the inaugural White Ribbon Cup such a success,” said Mr McCann

Hamilton to host White Ribbon Cup final

There's no room for violence on or off the field

March 19, 2012

Waikato FC will host the final of the White Ribbon Cup against Team Wellington at Hamilton’s Gower Park on Sunday April 1.

Waikato’s 3-1 over YoungHeart Manawatu in Taupo on Saturday confirmed their place in the final after an earlier win over Hawke’s Bay United while Team Wellington earned their shot with wins over Canterbury United and Otago United it the southern conference.

The competition was introduced this season to provide meaningful competition to ASB Premiership sides not involved in OFC Champions League football and supports White Ribbon, a campaign to raise awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

The White Ribbon Cup final comes amidst a busy weekend for football in New Zealand with the Football Ferns taking on Papua New Guinea in the first leg of the OFC Women’s Olympic final qualifier in Whangarei on Saturday and Wellington Phoenix scheduled to host a knockout semi-final in the first round of the A-league playoffs that weekend.

The final round of the O-League is also scheduled for Saturday with Auckland City already confirmed of a place in the final but Waitakere United still chasing the other spot.

“Hosting the White Ribbon Cup final in Hamilton is a another opportunity to take a football event around the country,” said Grant McKavanagh, “and a chance to raise awareness of the White Ribbon campaign and the powerful work it does in helping men put an end to domestic violence.”

A win for either White Ribbon finalist will mark their first ever silverware although Team Wellington is eyeing a double having also made the semi finals of the ASB Premiership which begin on April 15.

New Zealand Football – White Ribbon Cup

In October 2010 New Zealand Football and the New Zealand Professional Footballers Association (NZPFA) partnered with White Ribbon – as the All Whites’ official cause and announced the first-ever White Ribbon Cup.

This is a cause that senior international and father of two, Ivan Vicelich, said had the full support from All Whites players.

“Sometimes being tough gets confused with being violent, but as a team we demonstrate that both on and off the field violence is not OK. Most of us have wives now, some have daughters. But all of us, and in fact all men have women in their lives – a friend, a sister, their mother – that they wouldn’t want to see in harm’s way. Signing up for White Ribbon is a way we can publicly show that men are the solution.”

Football Poster

The creation of a White Ribbon Cup will raise awareness of men’s violence against women and give all the top domestic teams that are not involved in Champions League football a bigger diet of football. The first two games have already been played and for more information click here www.asbpremiership.co.nz

Harry Ngata

We believe the relationship between White Ribbon and football is only just beginning. Future All Whites games will be used to raise awareness of the White Ribbon Campaign and already members of the team have signed the personal pledge to never commit, condone or remain silent about violence towards women, while Harry Ngata, former international and NZPFA board member became a White Ribbon Ambassador.

Ngata’s father, the late Dr. Paratene (Pat) Ngata, was an active campaigner for the cause. Harry explains, “For me it’s about legacy – not just from Dad’s work but also about the sort of role models sportsmen can be, and the sort of influence they can have when they stand up for up for what is right. You don’t have to experience violence to understand just how terrible the effects can be on women, and children.”

White Ribbon Cup

White Ribbon Cup

The White Ribbon Cup

The White Ribbon Cup, a new competition for ASB Premiership clubs not involved in Champions League football, kicks off this weekend on 03 December

The six teams – Hawke’s Bay United, Waikato FC and YoungHeart Manawatu in the Northern Conference and Canterbury United, Otago United and Team Wellington in the Southern group – will play two games each with the two conference winners meeting in the final on April 1.

The matches, two of which will be hosted in Taupo, will also see local match day activity for the White Ribbon campaign, adopted recently by the All Whites as their official cause.

The White Ribbon campaign raises awareness of men’s violence against women – which in New Zealand is generally directed at wives, girlfriends and other intimate partners.

All games will be played when the ASB Premiership takes breaks for the OFC Champions League giving the teams not involved much needed football.

“One of the main aims is to give all our top domestic teams a bigger diet of football at this level and the White Ribbon Cup is an important step towards that,” said New Zealand Football Chief Executive Grant McKavanagh.

“With the welcome distraction that the O-League causes in our season we needed to find a solution for the other six clubs.

“It’s also a practical way we can raise awareness of White Ribbon and the positive anti-violence messages of that campaign.”

White Ribbon Soccer Campaign

The campaign is led by the Families Commission which actively supports a suite of family violence initiatives including the It’s Not OK campaign, the Family Violence Clearinghouse, Family Violence Statistics report and the White Ribbon Campaign.

“We’re delighted to build on our relationship with New Zealand Football and have the White Ribbon Cup add to the support shown already by the All Whites to end violence against women,” said Families Commission White Ribbon Campaign Manager Rob McCann.

“The campaign is about men talking to men in ways that men understand so sport can be a great vehicle for communicating the message that you can be tough and play with controlled aggression, but you can’t bring that aggression into the home.”

New Zealand Football have indicated that future editions of the White Ribbon Cup will have an increased number of rounds to match the full O-League calendar.

Waikato and Hawke’s Bay meet at Taupo’s Crown Park at 2pm on Saturday with Team Wellington hosting Canterbury United at David Farrington Park in the capital at 3pm.

White Ribbon Cup 2011/12 Draw

White Ribbon responds to sentencing of Grace Millane’s murderer

A minimum of 17 years for one life. How can we make this better?

Today the unnamed man found guilty of murdering Grace Millane was sentenced to life in prison with a non-parole period of 17.

“One person has been locked away but are New Zealand women any safer?” asks White Ribbon Manager Rob McCann.

“We certainly feel better about ourselves, but in locking away one person we have not addressed the fact that one in three women experience violence from a partner or ex-partner in their lifetime. We have not addressed the unhealthy attitudes towards women that are nurtured by pornography, or the clichéd masculinity that is created when we tell our young men that ‘boys don’t cry’ or to ‘harden up’.”

“We have not addressed the victim blaming which the defence tried to utilise and that those same myths were repeated by sections of our communities.”

White Ribbon Ambassador Mark Longley agrees. “It is great that justice has been done today and the man who murdered Grace will spend a long time behind bars.

“What is a shame though is that in the 12 months after Grace’s murder we saw a higher than average number of women in New Zealand die at the hands of their partner.

The behaviour displayed by the man who killed Grace shocked me. Descriptions of how he smuggled her body out of the hotel, went on a date and he watched pornography hours after killing her were appalling.

I am sure the traits of an abusive personality would have been seen by friends and colleagues, but were likely never challenged.

The death of Grace and the women after her must not be in vain, violence against women, in any form, is wrong and it is up to us men to spread that message.

As men our voice can be incredibly powerful, whether that is just checking in on a mate and asking if he is ok, or uniting to speak out against violence towards women, says Mr Longley.

White Ribbon is adamant that we must learn from the Grace Millane murder.

“If we want to address the violence that killed Grace, we have to look at the causes,” says Mr McCann. We must examine and undermine the attitudes and behaviours that enable the kind of toxic masculinity that drove the killer, and at the same time support healthy masculinity and respectful relationships (which are a protection against violence).

“We see Healthy Masculinity as rejecting unhelpful stereotypes and #unspoken rules about what it is to be a boy or man and replacing those with qualities such as kindness, being empathetic and finding peaceful resolutions to problems.

“Healthy masculinity is about boys and men being confident in who they are, without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man.

“Boys and men can still be ‘brave’, ‘have muscles’, assertive, tough, love rugby, enjoy time with other men and boys, enjoy a ‘pint’ with the lads. But boys and men should also be free to express sad emotions, enjoy cooking, dancing, gardening and anything else that does not fit into rigid gender stereotypes.

“Healthy masculinity is treating everyone with respect and having Respectful Relationships (which always include consent).

“This is what we much teach our boys to ensure they do not buy into the kind of toxic behaviour that encourages men to use violence and disrespect women.

“And when men encounter men that are violent or hold sexist views, they must be encouraged to stand up and call out the bad behaviour.

“These actions will help reduce violence by undermining the attitudes that support violence and by promoting the healthy masculinity that supports Respectful Relationships.”

For more information about how to support Healthy Masculinity go to www.whiteribbon.org.nz

The victim-blaming defence (that didn’t work this time)

The sentencing of Grace Millane’s killer to life in prison with a minimum non-parole period of  17 years marks the end of a judicial process that can only have been extremely harrowing for her family. They had already experienced the loss of their daughter, literally every parent’s worst nightmare.

White Ribbon Campaign Manager Rob McCann states: “We need to act to prevent other women suffering the same fate. We need to focus on educating our young people about healthy sexual relationships and the meaning of consent. If we do not, they will learn from other sources – their mates or the increasingly violent pornography that is now readily available to anyone with an internet connection irrespective of age.”

A useful resource for understanding and teaching consent is the cup of tea video. https://whiteribbon.org.nz/2015/07/12/consent-explained-with-a-cup-of-tea/

Access to pornography has never been easier and the content regularly features the domination of women. Last year BBC Radio 5 live, commissioned a survey in which it asked 2,002 UK women aged between 18 and 39 if they had experienced various acts during sex.

The majority (59%) had experienced slapping, 38% had experienced choking, 34% had experienced gagging, 20% had experienced spitting and 59% had experienced biting. Almost half of the women (44%) surveyed, said these acts were always wanted.

However, 29% said they were unwanted some of the time, 14% said they were unwanted most of the time, and 10% said they were unwanted every time.[1] A substantial number of respondents felt pressured into these behaviours which suggests their partners lacked a clear understanding of consent. McCann notes: “While this survey was conducted in the UK, there is no reason to believe results would be significantly different in the New Zealand context. In fact, with our intimate partner violence statistics they may be worse.”

The Centre for Women’s Justice in the UK said the figures showed a “growing pressure on young women to consent to violent, dangerous and demeaning acts”, which was “likely to be due to the normalisation of extreme pornography”.[2]

“In December 2018, strangulation became a stand-alone offence,” says Mr McCann “and immediately the number of charges and convictions went through the roof. What we think this indicates is widespread use of strangulation being used not as part of what is known as ‘breath play’, a sexual act that is consented to, but as acts of violence towards women.” As reported by Alison Mau, Women’s Refuge Chief Executive, Dr Anj Jury, said strangulation was so common many victims neglected to even mention it.[3]

This is relevant because Millane’s killer sought to avoid facing the penalty for committing murder by arguing that her death was the result of an accident during consensual rough sex. This is an international issue and there is increasing pressure on Western governments worldwide to ban the so-called “rough sex” defence for murder, which many suggest has evolved from the “she asked for it” defence commonly used in rape trials.

As Canadian commentators have observed: “The “rough sex” defence is not gender neutral. The sex is “rough” for women, not men. “Rough sex” depicted in pornography and in practice is marked by gender asymmetry. It is overwhelmingly women who are on the receiving end of this violence and whose health and very lives are on the line.”[4]

Rob McCann says “In this type of defence, the defendant takes the focus off their own behaviour and encourages discussion of the victim’s prior sexual history and preferences. This is an irrelevant distraction in a murder trial. They use the defence to blame the victim and it is totally unacceptable. There is no way of knowing what the victim wanted or said in this instance, and you simply cannot consent to being murdered.”

“The idea that rough sex could result in accidental death is a fallacy. It takes considerable pressure to strangle someone and if a sexual partner loses consciousness for any reason during sex, the logical response would be stop and check they are ok. While engaging in sadomasochistic behaviours can be a valid choice for consenting adults, it comes with the responsibility to ensure the safety of your partner.”

For more information about how to support Healthy Masculinity go to www.whiteribbon.org.nz