Violence is taught – so who’s doing the teaching?

Last year, with your support, White Ribbon was able to put together the Boys will be Boys Respectful Campaign, which emphasises the role we need to play to ensure our young men grow up to be part of the solution – not the problem.

What makes this an urgent issue is that when we don’t take up that role of educating the next generation, their peers, or pornography, or influencers such as Andrew Tate become the loudest voices in the room, and there’s a clear link between believing in the kind of attitudes Tate personifies – and violence.

Currently there’s significant discourse about the role influencers are playing in the lives of our youth. Andrew Tate is a prime example of someone who has a supersized platform. He’s wealthy, powerful, and many young men want to be like him. Some have signed up to his online The Hustler’s University 2.0 (currently offline) which promotes some pretty horrible attitudes while encouraging those same young men to enroll their mates and earn cash for bringing in new recruits.

If you’re not familiar with Andrew Tate, he promotes a misogynistic soup of sexism, outdated ideas about men being in charge and dominant. His thoughts are cloaked in images of success and financial wealth and power, which often appeals to young men.

He says women belong in the home, can’t drive, and are a man’s property. He talks about slapping and choking women, doesn’t believe in depression and is openly homophobic.

He has said that rape victims must “bear responsibility” for the attacks on them, and openly dates women aged 18–19 because he can “make an imprint” on them, according to videos posted online.

He emphasizes the importance of material possessions while devaluing human relationships.

Recently, audio has been leaked of a voice note he allegedly recorded and sent to one of the women he has been accused of raping. This audio comes with a trigger warning, and the views on the video clip are from The Hill presenters in America and are not White Ribbon’s.

While the good news is that Tate has been detained since December by the Romanian Police as they investigate allegations of rape and trafficking, men just like him with harmful attitudes are still targeting young men, and their messages are still being absorbed by our youth.

That’s why White Ribbon has had a focus on promoting Healthy Masculinity and Respectful Relationships, because the knowledge and understanding of these concepts is a protection against violence, and they provide a healthy framework for young men to find their own way.

Understanding Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity gives them the skills and knowledge to know what a realistic and rewarding relationship looks like, as opposed to the controlling and shallow manipulation promoted by the Andrew Tates of this world.

Are we winning the battle?

I don’t think so. There simply isn’t enough government funding going into this aspect of violence prevention. In fact, only 1.8% of the governments family violence budget is spent on prevention. Adding to the problem, not enough men or adults are standing up and saying let’s have these difficult conversations – which is why one of the tag lines from our November campaign is, boys become the men we teach them to be. Unfortunately, it seems too often we’re leaving it up to others to be the teachers.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that only 10% to 20% of secondary school students have had a conversation in their homes about healthy relationships, sex and sexuality. Compounding that silence from parents, secondary school sex education is far from compulsory (or consistent) in New Zealand. That means it’s quite possible our tamariki are slipping through their teen years without appropriate mentoring and knowledge.

Alongside the Andrew Tates of this world, another influence can be pornography which can reflect and amplify misogyny. The Chief Censor’s 2018 NZ Youth and Porn Study found 1 in 4 young people saw porn before the age of 12, with 71% inadvertently viewing it. 69% have seen violence or aggression, and 72% have seen non-consensual activity. As one 15-year-old male wrote, “some porn is brutal, violent and degrading to women…it can lead you to believe that this is how you treat a woman.” That view of the dangers of pornography is widely held by many professionals.

A 2019 content-analysis looking at 200 popular porn clips indicated that 35% of porn showed coercive behaviour, and 46% had incestual themes. The analysis noted that aggression is almost always aimed at females, and they most often respond with pleasure in the videos.

The potential harms and impacts that pornography can have include:

• incorrect sexual attitudes and beliefs
• poor real life sex outcomes
• poor mental health outcomes
• inappropriate and sexually aggressive behaviours
• compulsive pornography usage

In my view, both pornography and influencers such as Mr Tate are products and reflections of a much larger pattern of misogyny. Our advice is that education is the best protection against your children believing in sexist and harmful attitudes, and then potentially acting that way towards their partners.

What can we do?

As the grownups in the room we need to have discussions with our young people about what Respectful Relationships look like, and what Healthy Masculinity looks like.

It’s worth noting that if this framework doesn’t fit your family because your child is challenging what were perceived as gender norms, have a read of Kids and Gender Toolbox and then come back to the other free resources such as Raising Boys who Respect and Respectful Sexual Relationships. You can find all these resources here.

Parents and teachers aren’t born experts on these subjects, nor are our own relationships perfect, so it’s a great idea to read the free material we provide, or watch the video below.

The most important advice is don’t pretend to be the expert, or talk down to your kids. Just let them know you want to have these kinds of chats with them. Why – because it’s your role as a parent/caregiver/coach to ensure they understand what a real and respectful relationship and sexual relationship looks like – as opposed to the unrealistic and sometimes harmful ideas promoted by pornography, or the likes of Tate.

And if you’re still struggling with the, ‘why do I have to do this?’ question, last week White Ribbon received an email from a student alerting us to a female school dean telling the young men (which included her boyfriend), that if she sees one of them cry in front of her, she won’t care because ‘they’re not being real men’.

That’s just a variation of the warped and #outdated masculinity that Andrew Tate is promoting. So please, challenge the #outdated, and let’s have the conversation with our young men and women.

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Manager

Helpful videos that relate to these subjects, graphics can be downloaded from here.

Other Interesting articles about Andrew Tate:

The lessons Andrew Tate doesn’t want you to learn about talking with young men
by White Ribbon Ambassador Richie Hardcore on Stuff

Andrew Tate: research has long shown how feminist progress is always followed by a misogynistic backlash
Lisa Sugiura of the University of Portsmouth

Men are embracing ‘positive masculinity’ and say it’s working – despite the backlash
Wendy Tuohy of The Sydney Morning Herald

Inside the violent, misogynistic world of TikTok’s new star, Andrew Tate
Shanti Das of The Guardian

Andrew Tate: The ‘violent’ and viral TikTok star who has domestic violence campaigners worried
Michelle Elias of The Feed

Floyd Ormsby media coverage

Check out some of the coverage of White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby

White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby knows all too well the effects of childhood abuse and lack of role models growing up.

Ormsby describes his childhood as a “nightmare”

A detective and her father, along with another brave police officers, are sharing their personal stories of family violence to highlight the importance of White Ribbon Day.

BFM Interview

TODAY FM with Lloyd Burr.

Floyd Ormsby, 63, was this year awarded the Outstanding Coaching Contribution Award by Auckland Rugby Referees Association along with being recognised by Rutherford College for outstanding coaching and volunteering.

Floyd’s journey to becoming a respectful husband the third time around, and role model to young men and women has not been an easy one. He was the youngest of four, his mother passed away when he was only three years old and he moved from household to household, suffering abuse, both physical and psychological. It was a traumatic childhood and Floyd had committed his first burglary by eight and was subsequently shipped off to a boarding school. That was both the best and worst part of his childhood. He knew where he was going to sleep and when the next hot meal would come, but Floyd was also sexually abused while at the school.

Floyd Ormsby with grandchild No 13

“I did not have any role models and my life was punctuated with abuse,” says Mr Ormsby. “My violence towards others was more psychological than physical, and my first two marriages ended badly. I wasn’t able to communicate with others, and had no self-esteem. I was angry and no one showed me how to be a parent, how to cope with emotions, or anger. I became what I was taught, an angry hard man that was abusive.”

Floyd believes the seeds of his journey towards becoming non-violent were sown when he mentored a young lad whose dad was killed in a car accident. Mentoring has been Floyd’s way of atoning for his own behaviour and started him on a journey to become a better man, and now a White Ribbon Ambassador.

“I know, that we can all play a role in violence prevention. It’s as easy as talking to your son, talking to the boys in the team you coach, or to the young men in your lives about being a good human being. And most importantly, it’s about role modelling healthy masculinity and showing young men they can be caring, kind and empathetic.

Floyd refereeing

Floyd Ormsby is now role modelling healthy masculinity and respectful relationships as a high-performance coach and referee. When Floyd starts his games as a referee, he just doesn’t bring in the front row, he talks to all the players about what he expects in a game and what he will not put up with – foul play or language, bullying or abuse. Setting those expectations and role modelling them, have helped Floyd to turn his life around.

“Now it’s time for all of us to play our part,” says Mr Ormsby, “and be role models for our young men and women.”

Notes:

• Floyd has the full support of his wife Gail and is now a White Ribbon Ambassador promoting Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity as alternatives and a protection against violence.
• Research demonstrates that an underlying cause of family violence is connected to the rigid rules of masculinity, the expectations that men must always appear dominant, tough and in charge.
• Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity is twenty times more likely to predict committing violence than any other demographic factors like ethnicity, age or income. We need to replace the outdated ideas of what a man is supposed to be, with concepts that encourage and support healthy masculinity.
• Too often men believe they need to appear tough and in-control in front of other men. This is from a fear, real or not, that they’ll be rejected, possibly violently, if they don’t fit in. Often being told to ‘Man Up’, is to be reminded to get back into the Man Box and act in a manner that conforms to the outdated stereotypes.
• Phrases like ‘Boys will be Boys’ emphasize these old unhealthy stereotypes and they’re still being used today. These phrases reinforce the rigid rules of masculinity that are linked to violence against women, and the time has come for us to take back the phrase, change the narrative and promote ‘healthy masculinity’.
• White Ribbon has free online resources that are available for the public to download and help them become a part of the solution.
• White Ribbon has a large number of events occurring throughout Aotearoa, along with over 200 Ambassadors talking about healthy masculinity and the White Ribbon Riders traveling throughout New Zealand spreading the Kaupapa.

Zonta Say No to Violence Against Women

Zonta East Auckland joined the Botany Library Showcase of Community Organisations. It was a useful time to network with other organisations, and to talk with interested people about the Zonta says No Campaign.

A number of buildings across Aotearoa turned orange to support the cause

Boys become the men we teach them to be

This White Ribbon Day (November 25^th), let’s prevent men’s violence towards women by focusing on teaching and role modeling ‘Healthy Masculinity’ and ‘Respectful Relationships’ for our young men.

White Ribbon Manager Rob McCann

“Boys will be boys is usually used as an excuse for poor behaviour,” says Rob McCann, White Ribbon Manager.  “We need to flip the phrase on its head and change the narrative and demonstrate what boys will be boys should mean.”

“Many of the hyper masculine stereotypes hurt men as well as women. If we look at violence, not just against women, but also between men, incarceration rates, mental health struggles and suicide statistics it is obvious these perceived rules of masculinity are broken. We need to give our sons and all the boys in our lives, the tools for a healthy violence-free life, says Mr McCann.

New White Ribbon Ambassador Floyd Ormsby agrees. “As a young man I had no role models and lived with violence and abuse. That helped to create an angry young man that hurt people and destroyed relationships. We can turn that around if we can show kindness towards our young men, and demonstrate to them what a respectful relationship looks like and let them know that men can be caring, supportive, ethical, respectful, friendly, generous and awesome.”

Floyd Ormsby, 63, was this year awarded the Outstanding Coaching Contribution Award by Auckland Rugby Referees Association along with being recognised by Rutherford College for outstanding coaching and volunteering.

Floyd’s journey to becoming a respectful husband the third time around, and role model to young men and women has not been an easy one. He was the youngest of four, his mother passed away when he was only three years old and he moved from household to household, suffering abuse, both physical and psychological. It was a traumatic childhood and Floyd had committed his first burglary by eight and was subsequently shipped off to a boarding school. That was both the best and worst part of his childhood. He knew where he was going to sleep and when the next hot meal would come, but Floyd was also sexually abused while at the school.

Floyd Ormsby with grandchild No 13

“I did not have any role models and my life was punctuated with abuse,” says Mr Ormsby. “My violence towards others was more psychological than physical, and my first two marriages ended badly. I wasn’t able to communicate with others, and had no self-esteem. I was angry and no one showed me how to be a parent, how to cope with emotions, or anger. I became what I was taught, an angry hard man that was abusive.”

Floyd believes the seeds of his journey towards becoming non-violent were sown when he mentored a young lad whose dad was killed in a car accident. Mentoring has been Floyd’s way of atoning for his own behaviour and started him on a journey to become a better man, and now a White Ribbon Ambassador.

“I know, that we can all play a role in violence prevention. It’s as easy as talking to your son, talking to the boys in the team you coach, or to the young men in your lives about being a good human being. And most importantly, it’s about role modelling healthy masculinity and showing young men they can be caring, kind and empathetic.

Floyd refereeing

Floyd Ormsby is now role modelling healthy masculinity and respectful relationships as a high-performance coach and referee. When Floyd starts his games as a referee, he just doesn’t bring in the front row, he talks to all the players about what he expects in a game and what he will not put up with – foul play or language, bullying or abuse. Setting those expectations and role modelling them, have helped Floyd to turn his life around.

“Now it’s time for all of us to play our part,” says Mr Ormsby, “and be role models for our young men and women.”

Notes:

Floyd has the full support of his wife Gail and is now a White Ribbon Ambassador promoting Respectful Relationships and Healthy Masculinity as alternatives and a protection against violence.

Research demonstrates that an underlying cause of family violence is connected to the rigid rules of masculinity, the expectations that men must always appear dominant, tough and in charge.

Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity is twenty times more likely to predict committing violence than any other demographic factors like ethnicity, age or income. We need to replace the outdated ideas of what a man is supposed to be, with concepts that encourage and support healthy masculinity.

Too often men believe they need to appear tough and in-control in front of other men. This is from a fear, real or not, that they’ll be rejected, possibly violently, if they don’t fit in. Often being told to ‘Man Up’, is to be reminded to get back into the Man Box and act in a manner that conforms to the outdated stereotypes.

Phrases like ‘Boys will be Boys’ emphasize these old unhealthy stereotypes and they’re still being used today. These phrases reinforce the rigid rules of masculinity that are linked to violence against women, and the time has come for us to take back the phrase, change the narrative and promote ‘healthy masculinity’.

White Ribbon has free online resources that are available for the public to download and help them become a part of the solution.

White Ribbon has a large number of events occurring throughout Aotearoa, along with over 200 Ambassadors talking about healthy masculinity and the White Ribbon Riders traveling throughout New Zealand spreading the Kaupapa.

White Ribbon riders roar into Taupō

Mayor David Trewavas (left) and White Ribbon rider Takurua Tawera share a hongi outside the council chambers.

Heard the throaty rumble of a large group of motorbikes around Taupō today? It’s the White Ribbon riders who roared into town this morning, bringing with them a positive message of hope.

November is White Ribbon Month, marking the campaign to end family violence, and this year’s theme is ‘flipping the script’ on our expectations of boys.

As part of the events during November, the White Ribbon Riders travel throughout New Zealand spreading the non-violence kaupapa and promoting respectful relationships, healthy masculinity and tackling this country’s woeful family violence record.

The group of around 20 riders spent last night on a marae at Reporoa and came through Taupō today, calling first at the Taupō District Council chambers before heading to meet the public at The Warehouse. This afternoon, they planned to travel on to Hastings and eventually, to Wellington by Friday.

Mayor David Trewavas, deputy mayor Kevin Taylor and councillor Rachel Shepherd were all at the council chambers to welcome the White Ribbon riders and show their support for their message of healthy masculinity and respectful relationships.

Mr Trewavas thanked the riders for coming to Taupō to promote the message of eliminating violence towards women and whānau and spoke of the shocking toll that family violence takes across all levels of society.

White Ribbon rider Takurua Tawera, who attended the ride with his wife and young son, responded that it was a privilege for the riders to come to Taupō and thanked the council for showing its support and for caring for the community.

“The theme [this year] is flipping the script which means that part of our responsibility is how do we get our young fellas and raise them to be be good men,” Mr Tawera said.

“Our message is about how do we tell our boys that it’s all right to cry, that it’s cool being boys, changing that script.”

He said councils had a role to play in helping address family violence by caring for their communities and the people in them.

White Ribbon Graphics can be downloaded from here
More detailed information on this year’s campaign can be found here

Pet Refuge

Pet Refuge is standing in solidarity with White Ribbon against violence towards Women.

White Ribbon Day is on November 25th, this global movement aims to raise awareness about violence towards women. The people we help are predominately women and to show our support for this vital issue, we are giving a Pet Refuge “White Ribbon” to anyone who signs up to Sade Bed for Pets TM programme or donates $25 or more during the month of November. All you have to do is write Ribbon in the comments box when you donate and we will send you one!

We believe we should show our support all year round, as well as on the day. These ribbons are to hang on your pet’s collar or on your keychain or bag, anywhere where this symbol can start a conversation.

New Zealand has the highest rate of domestic violence in the OECD and sadly pets are very often caught up in this violence. We should all be talking about why this is happening. Stand with us in solidarity against violence towards women. Let’s have the conversation.

https://www.petrefuge.org.nz/

Will Smith’s poor role modeling affirms use of violence

It’s not often you’ll get to see the Oscar Winner for Best Actor hit another man without a director yelling ‘cut’ afterwards.

What we witnessed was outdated male masculinity.

Those attitudes that Will Smith let rise to the surface in an unscripted moment, are why we need a reset, not with Hollywood elite, but with men. Too often we are taught as boys that we should ‘harden up’, that we need to be ‘tough’, that ‘boys don’t cry’ and too often we think the way to deal with issues is through anger and violence.

Those messages over time, and reinforced through media, help to put men in what we sometimes refer to as the ‘man box’. That’s the expectations that men must always appear dominant, tough and in charge. It’s a limitation that’s prescriptive and restrictive, where different behaviours are dismissed as being ‘not manly’. Worryingly, last year’s Gender Equality survey, run here in Aotearoa New Zealand with 1,250 participants, shows that 18% of participants (and 23% of men) agreed that showing physical or emotional weakness makes a man less of man, and 17% (21% of men) agreed that hitting out is an understandable response for a man when his wife or girlfriend tries to end a relationship. You can watch a video discussing those attitudes here.

Often a boy and a man will believe he needs to appear tough and in-control in front of other men. This is from a fear, real or not, that they’ll reject him, possibly violently, if he doesn’t fit in. Being told to ‘Man Up’ is to be reminded to get back into The Man Box.

We know that suppressing individual identities and diverse emotional responses is stressful. It’s also unhealthy as men who limit themselves by having to appear as tough and uncompromising often avoid asking for help when they most need it.

Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity are 20x more likely to predict committing violence, than any other demographic factors such as ethnicity, age or income.

Conversely, men who break out of The Man Box and choose their own masculine identity report that they’re less stressed, more satisfied with life and have happier relationships.

Will Smith’s actions provide us with an opportunity for a re-think about healthy masculinity. Where we reject the unhelpful stereotypes and unspoken rules about what it is to be a boy or man and replace them with being kind, empathetic and finding peaceful resolutions to problems.

Healthy masculinity is also about boys and men being confident in who they are without feeling pressure to be a certain type of boy/man. Boys and men can still be brave, and have muscles, be assertive, tough, love rugby, enjoy time with other men and boys, enjoy a ‘pint’ with the lads etc. But boys and men should also be free to express sad emotions, enjoy cooking, dancing, gardening and anything else that does not fit into gender stereotypes.

Healthy masculinity is treating everyone with respect and rejecting the need to use violence. In New Zealand one in three women are assaulted by their partner or ex-partner in their lifetime, so there’s a real need to take action now.

To change attitudes and behaviour is always possible. In Aotearoa we achieved that with seatbelts (if you’re old enough to remember). But even with something as straight forward as that, it took a decade for people to stop thinking the government were interfering with their ‘rights’ and accept that seatbelts would save lives. Imagine how men feel when words like ‘toxic masculinity’ are thrown around. But the sad reality is, the outdated attitudes that help drive violence, whether it is men’s violence towards other men or men’s violence towards women, are ideas that need to be consigned to our past.

We need to create a ‘call-in-culture’ that speaks to the need for change and provides concrete steps for how we can create that change. The alternative is that once in a decade we will talk about this issue when the Hollywood elite behave badly or worse, when the next fatality occurs that is driven by outdated masculinity.

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Manager